Please help with our trip to Mexico

To the editor:

Dear President Bush: I'm about to plan a trip with my family and extended family. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help. Would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats.

3. Government forms printed in English.

4. English-speaking teachers.

5. Classes on American culture and history.

6. The American flag flying on the top of the flag pole with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have car insurance and won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. Please be sure all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house, put flag decals on my car and have a celebration on the Fourth of July. I do not want any complaints from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes.

13. Please tell all the people to be nice and never say a critical word about me or about the strain I might place on the economy.

ROBERT T. KRONE Jr., Cape Girardeau