NEWTON'S LAW: SWITZERLAND OF SAND COULD TURN A TIDY PROFIT ON THIS WAR

Iranian President Hashemi Rafsanjani is like the Warren Beatty of Middle East politics. You just never know what kind of relationship he's going to turn up in next.

Granted, in the screwed-up Persian Gulf, almost anything is possible. If Mikhail Gorbachev turned up charming snakes on a street in Tehran, our surprise would be mild at best.

So, we shouldn't be shocked to learn that Iran, whose government is among the most repressive and bellicose on the planet, has offered to play peacemaker in the Persian Gulf war.

That's rather like Salman Rushdie offering to moderate a panel discussion on Islamic pride, isn't it?

Iran is away from the flying fur these days, at least overtly. Iranian leaders would have the world believe they are peace-loving people who just happen to reside in the world's most tempestuous neighborhood.

Of course, they were saying the same thing several years ago when throngs of Iranians would stomp around in front of American network cameras and shout things like, "Reagan, Reagan, you cowboy," as if Tehran cable were still carrying reruns of "Death Valley Days."

For his part, Rafsanjani seems ill-suited as a mediator, lacking the credibility to hold the quarreling parties apart and say, "Now, now, boys, stop your scrapping."

Oh, he might say such a thing. To go with it, though, he'd send a few of his henchman to an international airport with packages to be abandoned.

Iran has declared itself neutral in the current conflict. The slick press agents of Tehran say ... oh, that Rafsanjani has always admired the Swiss and hopes to take up alpine skiing when things settle down.

Like holding an American Express card, neutrality has its privileges. First, you don't get your nation or people shot up. Second, you don't drain your country's financial resources. Third, the conflicts of others will occasionally drop nice things in your lap.

The fortunes falling Rafsanjani's way these days are sleek, Soviet-built and fly at Mach 2. Having conceded the skies to America and its allies, Iraq has dispatched its air force a bit at a time to a safe haven in Iran, the Switzerland of sand.

So far, more than 100 Iraqi pilots and their jets have escaped the turmoil in their homeland. Those who have engaged the allied forces have been shot down.

Any margin of technological superiority in a dogfight tends to leave one of the participants in flames. It took little time for the Iraqi pilots to realize that margin belonged to the allies. It took the Iraqis even less time to figure out that their jets seemed to fly faster when American planes were behind them.

Though Iraqis are said to be willing to die for their religious cause, these pilots must have found some Islamic loophole that permitted them to hightail it.

Where Rafsanjani is sitting pretty these days is that a neighboring country keeps flying a good deal of military inventory into Iranian airspace and landing at Ayatollah International or some other airfield. Like a good DWI cop, Rafsanjani is snatching the keys away as quick as the pilots can say "asylum."

Rafsanjani says that the real reason he won't release the planes for further combat is that Iran wants to maintain its neutrality. (The Swiss would be so proud.) In fact, the Iranian president might be hoping that Iraq is so crushed by the allies that it has no clout left to demand the return of its planes.

Possession being nine-tenths of the law in any culture, Rafsanjani might only need to request an owner's manual from Moscow to have a completely retooled air force.

Or, at a million dollars a shot for each jet fighter, this war could turn a tidy profit for Iran. Rafsanjani could get back in the arms business.

Tell me though: Would you buy a used MiG from this man?