NEWTON'S LAW: IS VAST CYNICISM MISPLACED? LIZ DESERVES SOME HAPPINESS

Wedding albums are like intimate jokes: they aren't embarrassing ~until exposed to the public.

The poses are universally unnatural, the faces are too young, the fashions are dated. It is the first and last time in your life a spouse will put cake to your mouth. You wince at being a party to inane ritual.

These rules don't apply for Elizabeth Taylor. For Liz, a library might one day be established to house her wedding albums. The Dewey Decimal System would be expanded to catalog their listings.

For some folks, marriage is more than an institution; for Liz, it's a habit.

The old saying about people like this is that they've been around the block a few times. Liz has been around the block enough to be a patrolman.

And while she hasn't worn white in a non-ironic way since 1950, Americans still get a kick out of it when Liz decides to walk down the aisle. It makes us eternally hopeful. Any suspicion we have that romance has perished vanishes when those violet eyes shine on her newly betrothed mate.

You get misty-eyed just thinking about it.

That must be the thinking around People magazine. If we are happy to have our wedding albums stored carefully away, Liz is unabashed about having hers on newsstands. The whole show is out there for all to see.

Weddings provide special days, to be sure. For bride and groom, a wedding is the legal affirmation of their love for one another. For family members too, emotions often run high; more than one wedding reception has been enlivened by fisticuffs touched off by an untimely comment, years of bad blood and tapped kegs.

Still, Liz has the allure and the wherewithal to put on a good show without punches being thrown. Maybe that's the reason her latest wedding album is in the public domain.

How can any writer not be sympathetic to the plight described by Tom Wolfe, detailed in this space before, that modern fiction is so hard to write because modern life is so inherently strange.

The novelist turning out a de~scription of a Hollywood wedding would be accused of overreaching if he plotted item for item the events of Elizabeth Taylor's Oct. 6 wedding to Larry Fortensky. Too wild, an editor would advise. This is off the deep end.

Pity the author. Consider what actually happened, especially in light of the stereotypical view of California.

A 59-year-old actress married a 39-year-old Teamster.

The bride and groom now have 11 marriages between them.

The happy couple met three years ago when undergoing treatment for substance abuse at the Betty Ford Center.

The wedding ceremony was performed in part by someone who works as a "spiritual psychotherapist."

Michael Jackson gave away the bride.

The best man goes by the title "hairdresser to the stars."

Shortly after Liz walked down the aisle, a skydiving photographer dropped into the ceremony and was seized by security officers.

Wedding guests could not hear the nuptials recited because of the media helicopters swarming overhead. These also drowned out a rendition of "Ave Maria."

The ceremony started 45 minutes late while Valentino fussed with the dress he designed for Liz. During this time, the guests grew testy because wedding planners decided alcohol would not be served prior to the ceremony.

If you can concoct something that tops reality in this case, you're an imaginative soul.

Maybe the cynicism is misplaced. After seven previous tries, Liz deserves a loving and lasting relationship as much as anyone. Even if Mr. and Mrs. Larry Fortensky have their wedding portrait on the cover of People (alongside Michael, of course), their love is probably genuine.

And if practice makes perfect, Liz might be approaching perfection on this wedding thing.