NEWTON'S LAW: AN OLDER VARIETY OF NEW KIDS AND NEW VARIETY OF PUTDOWNS

People say computers are lifeless entities. I'm not so sure.

If you work a lot around computers, you will know those times when the machine won't go forward, won't go backward, won't react to any of your commands.

It is the closest thing one can find in technology to resemble an anxiety attack. The computer freezes, buffaloed perhaps by its own curious existence, and can only be brought around by turning the power off, then on.

Such a thing happens in the human mind when a number of ideas logjam and no fully baked thoughts of any kind come through. No reset buttons exist. It's best just to clean out the mush and start from scratch.

From this comes a potpourri.

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The Democrats are, at last, fielding a slate of candidates for next year's presidential race. Some commonality of the field is making itself apparent ... that is, besides the fact they are little known, underfinanced and without a real prayer of getting into the White House without a tourist pass.

At least two of the presidential hopefuls have had high-profile romantic involvements with women in the entertainment field.

U.S. Sen. Bob Kerrey of Nebraska has had an on-again, off-again relationship over the years with actress Debra Winger. They met when she was filming "Terms of Endearment" in his home state.

Jerry Brown, the former governor of California who wants to forsake his image as a political has-been, was once the steady beau of songstress Linda Ronstadt.

This may have little to do with anything, but it might be noted that Ronald Reagan launched his political career after marrying Nancy Davis, leading lady in that classic, "Hellcats of the Navy."

Viewed in those terms, it's little wonder Sonny Bono decided to run for the U.S. Senate seat in California. History is on the side of the Palm Springs mayor. Won't that be a shame if Cher dumped the poor guy and missed her chance to be the first First Lady with tattoos.

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This month marks the silver anniversary of the debut of the television show "The Monkees." If the price of precious metals is down, it might be an appropriate celebration.

The Monkees were the New Kids On The Block of my day. Like the New Kids, their entertainment skills took a back seat to their marketing. Cast as members of a pop group, two of the selections Davy Jones and Mickey Dolenz knew not a lick about music. Stephen Stills, on the other hand, was rejected for a part.

For all this lack of substance, the style of The Monkees paved the way for things to come: their fusion of music and video would later evolve (through the workings of ex-Monkee Michael Nesmith) into MTV.

The band was ahead of its time, leading the way for all the shallowness to come.

In tribute to them, I've forgotten what I was going to say.

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Were journalism awards given for putdowns of the month, Alex Beam of the Boston Globe wins for October. His review of Norman Mailer's new book, the 1,307-page "Harlot's Ghost," is savagery seldom seen outside a war zone.

"In normal society," Beam writes, "this $30 designer doorstop would be quickly pulped and recycled into something worthwhile, like phone books."

Also: "Mailer ends `Harlot's Ghost' with the words: `To be continued.' But we've heard that threat before."

Plus: "Mailer says he believes in reincarnation ... and I envision him returning to Earth in the 21st century as a totem of the trash society he now embraces, as a hypodermic needle, or perhaps a condom."

Do you get the feeling he doesn't like Mailer?

I might suggest that Beam is laying it on a bit thick, but it might get back to him. The one thing I would hate to do is get on this guy's bad side.

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Finally, there was a news story out of Hicksville, N.Y., Thursday that caught my attention.

It seems that a man was arrested for shoplifting Wednesday afternoon for trying to steal two $90 lovebirds from a pet shop. His ploy, ingenious but difficult to execute, was to stuff the birds down his pants.

While I should be as bold as Beam, it is very much on my mind that there are a thousand ways I could lose my job with this next sentence.

Suffice it to say that the story gives new meaning to the term "fly."