MISSOURIANA

Ross Perot asks voters to tell him how they feel about waste in government. That's like a preacher polling his congregation members on how they view sin.

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St. Louis' new rapid-transit system can't be completed until 2,500 bodies in a cemetery blocking the route are relocated. Who's going to relocate the project engineers who are obviously dead from the neck up?

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State officials deny that opening a new trade office in Mexico is designed to make displaced factory workers from Missouri feel at home.

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Kansas City is still debating where to locate a proposed X-rated sin zone. How about near the stockyards where the environment is already polluted?

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A legislative committee proposes a school foundation formula that requires an additional $740 million in taxes. What the formula needs now is an elixir to kill taxpayer pain.

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President Clinton urges Congress to enact a BTU tax to help cut the deficit. Republicans content BTU stands for Bill's Tax Unthinkable.

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We won't really feel good about the economy until Al Gore smiles.