MISSOURI WATCH: WHAT CAN SUPREME COURT BE THINKING?

I'm not sure the honorable justices of the U.S. Supreme Court really thought through their recent decision against the nation's tobacco companies. You may recall the high tribunal recently let stand a Florida law that makes it easier to sue tobacco companies by states seeking to recover Medicaid expenses incurred in treating smoking-related illnesses.

What this might eventually mean to companies like Philip Morris, Lorillard and American Tobacco is staggering to consider, and some legal experts have predicted that, in light of this recent court decision, nothing is left but bankruptcy. At the very least, it could mean endless litigation, exorbitant legal fees and claims by millions of Americans who like nothing better than to sit back and light up a coffin nail.

And I'm not talking about- lawsuits just against companies selling products that legally must include a warning to buyers that what they are about to experience is not only habit-forming but can cause serious illnesses that probably will lead to death. If not death, at least pain-wrenching diseases that will make the rest of their lives a living hell.

All of this would be bad enough, but just consider for a moment some of the related lawsuits the recent decision is about to spawn. For example, I have now decided that I really have no choice but to file a multi million-dollar claim against the American Red Cross. I intend to call my lawyer first thing in the morning. In case you're wondering what on earth the good folks at the ARC have to do with my sinus condition, let me explain, although I'm sure my lawyer will be able to phrase it in legal terms that mean big bucks if I am to become a millionaire. My addiction began back in World War II when I found myself a patient in an intensive care section of a U.S. Naval hospital. After undergoing surgery and treatment, I awoke one morning and discovered that my surgeons had unwittingly and accidentally cured me of an earlier craving for cigarettes. Although my doctor modestly brushed off my praise for his skill and professional ability, I felt relieved to be free of having to flick my Zippo every 30 minutes or so to relieve a craving I had carried since high school.

After several happy, carefree, addictionless days, an attractive young miss wearing a Red Cross uniform came to the bedside and asked, "Cigarettes?" Having paid above-retail prices for any services I received from the Red Cross once I was in the Navy, my first question was, "How much?" The attractive young miss brightly informed me that for men in uniform who also happened to be hospital patients, the ARC would waive all charges. Not believing my good fortune, I quickly accepted the offer and learned how to smoke all over again.

With any luck at all, I can collect millions from this horrible, shocking purveyor of addiction, disease and death: the American Red Cross. That will teach them to revise their rules of charging for charity by giving away cigarettes just to foster dependency. And let that be a lesson to them.

Of course, after collecting millions from the ARC, there will be other avenues available to all of us red-white-and-blue entrepreneurs.

Getting old? Sue your parents for giving you genes that cause arthritis, night blindness or dandruff.

Didn't like the editorial in last night's paper? Sue the editor and charge him with the loss of a good night's sleep.

Having a bad hair day? Sue your beautician or barber whose indifference to the proper contour of your head has caused you humiliation, embarrassment, pain and suffering.

Flunked your driver's test? Sue the state for failing to issue a license before you ran over that little old grandmother you failed to notice as she was crossing the street.

Of course, the Supreme Court says it's all right to sue the tobacco companies, but my lawyer has advised against it. As he patiently pointed out, the loss of billions of dollars will bankrupt these companies, which will then start to bootleg their products at ten times the present retail price. Before long they will be so powerful they will be able to buy the best legal talent in the world, control state legislatures and even Congress and elect governors and presidents.

See what I mean about the justices not thinking through their recent decision? They've just reaffirmed the status quo.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News & Editorial Service.