MISSOURI WATCH: TELL ME, DOCTOR, IS P.A.D.S. FATAL?

Although no official public warning has yet been sounded by the Center for Disease Control, America increasingly appears to be suffering from an acute illness which scientists still haven't determined is terminal. The alternative diagnosis is that our illness is merely highly communicable, in which case there is still hope for us if only medical science can come up with an antidote. Judging from the extensive severity of the epidemic, a cure can't come too soon.

I'm speaking of the deadly P.A.D.S. virus, which first made its appearance, physicians now believe, about the end of the Johnson administration. The illness became more obvious during the Nixon years, becoming progressively worse during the Ford and Carter terms. While it had reached the virulent stage by the Bush administration, it appears to have grown stronger during the current Clinton years.

Heaven only knows what form it will take over the next four years.

In case you're wondering, P.A.D.S. is the medical term for Political Attention Deficit Syndrome, and when it comes to symptoms, I'm certain you'll quickly recognize the more obvious ones. A word of caution: Even if you believe you were infected several years ago, there is still hope for you, even if you only first noticed symptoms during the Watergate era.

In the first stages of P.A.D.S., you experience minor pain in the abdominal area, and your initial reaction is that the discomfort you are experiencing is merely the result of a double pizza or a triple order of refried beans. The average victim assiduously avoids coming to grips with the abdominal discomfort, until a repeat appearance is accompanied by an even more rapid heart beat and a noticeable increase in blood pressure. Patients experiencing these symptoms more than once a week generally visit their family doctor, only to be told there's nothing wrong with them. The medical community has been notoriously lax in recognizing P.A.D.S. and has generally been unsympathetic to victims, except when some proposal for a radical health-care plan was being debated by Congress.

Research conducted by the Disease Control Center shows that 93.45 percent of all new P.A.D.S. illnesses occur in leap years, which also happen to be the periods in which America is having one of its quadrennial presidential elections. Although initially rejected as having any connection with P.A.D.S., researchers believe there is a causative connection.

When these so-called generative periods occur, victims suffer with nearly uncontrollable abdominal cramps, rapid heart rushes, excessively high blood pressure, pounding headaches and a general malaise resembling the worst stages of an Asian flu virus. Actually victims become so ill that they lack the strength to pick up their daily newspapers or turn on their radios and television sets. Like Pavlov's dogs, when victims hear any political news of any kind or when they hear the recognizable voice of a political candidate, they exhibit such severe reactions that no amount of treatment will ameliorate their pain.

When P.A.D.S. sufferers progress to the secondary stage, they display a glassy-eyed stare that resembles a catatonic patient, and their ambulatory skills are greatly reduced to the point they can scarcely get out of bed in the morning and almost always retire before the 6 o'clock evening news. As their discomfort increases, patients will even halt all forms of communication with their spouses, although doctors say this may not be an adequate test of infection since many families have a minimum of conversation even when no illness is present or evident.

Although some victims have sought home remedies, medical scientists have concluded little relief is available even though some have boycotted all news, both print and electronic, while others have paid for permanent ear-plug operations, and a few have actually found doctors who will perform illegal lobotomies. None of these remedies will provide a permanent cure, and few provide more than temporary relief.

Officials at the Center for Disease Control admit they are unable at this moment to forecast tertiary symptoms but warn that millions are at risk between now and next November. Dr. Gallup Roper, a CDC official, says his research indicates tertiary symptoms will become rampant through Tuesday, Nov. 5, but should become noticeably benign by the morning of Nov. 6. If this scenario plays out, scientists hope they can keep the illness from becoming a national epidemic until the year 2000. By then, they warn, it may be necessary to quarantine any politician who even looks like he's going to make a speech.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.