MISSOURI WATCH: POLITICALESE: GOING BEYOND PLAIN OFFICIAL ENGLISH

For years Missouri Congressman Bill Emerson has been introducing legislation that would make English the "official" language of the United States, and would also require all new immigrants to learn to speak like us natives. I've always thought this requirement made a great deal of sense, for without it, our great American melting pot would be more like alphabet soup than Monday stew.

There are even similar measures before the Missouri General Assembly, so this is a pretty universal problem, and the sooner we get the rule into law, the quicker new citizens from foreign countries will be able to abuse and misuse the King's English as well as the rest of us. Fair is fair.

Of course, like most subjects, this one is a bit more complicated than it seems. Suppose all the new immigrants coming to the Land of Opportunity become just as proficient as the rest of us in reading and writing, able to split infinitives in a split second and capable of comprehending such important documents as mail from the Publishers Clearinghouse. Despite these skills, our new citizens will still be as illiterate as other Americans when it comes to comprehending Politicalese.

To those of you unskilled in the language arts, let me explain that Politicalese is the language spoken by anyone holding public office; in short, it is the language spoken by politicians and others involved in the political process. Your ignorance on the subject is understandable, since there are no Politicalese dictionaries, much less any written record of this highly esoteric language. Until now.

Before we get down to basic translations from English to Politicalese, a bit of history is in order. As far as linguists can determine, this language was virtually unknown during the Colonial era but began to evolve as America expanded ever westward and grew rapidly from an easily administered government to one that was considerably more complex. During this evolution, public servants began encountering numerous problems in administering governments that had not confronted our earlier Founding Fathers, who only needed to be concerned about an area not much larger than today's Disneyland.

Naturally, with problems increasing and solutions more evasive, political figures soon found themselves in growing disfavor with those they governed. At first, officials behaved like earlier leaders: they told the truth. This proved to be a big mistake because as the nation's problems grew and became more complicated, the old solutions of grin-and-bear it and make-do-with-what-you-have would no longer suffice. Voters demanded more, not less, and while the politicians understandably wanted to give more, they could only end up giving less.

Finally a group of Federalists, Whigs, Republicans, Democrats, No-Nothings, Libertarians, Mugwumps, Free-Traders and Independents got together to devise a way for their leaders to survive the increasing wrath of the governed. They considered everything, from hiring armed guards to living behind heavily barricaded walls, but eventually agreed that there was only one solution, namely to create their own language so that when they spoke to voters back home, they would not only be believable but they would more importantly be completely misunderstood. It was the first time in the history that a new language had been invented to obfuscate rather than inform.

And so Politicalese was devised, with historians placing the event sometime during the third term of Warren G. Harding, who has been blamed for just about everything wrong in America and patriotically agreed to assume responsibility for this latest outrage against the public.

Although there is little written record, I received an anonymous Fax the other day, believed to have been sent from the private office of the nation's First Lady, which bore several official translations of Politicalese. The only message that accompanied the Fax said, "I just came across this information while going through a 2-year-old file that I had forgotten about." It was, naturally, unsigned.

In the spirit of complete cooperation with Sen. D'Amato and other pursuers of the truth, I am revealing the heretofore highly secret translations of Politicalese. I trust these revelations will set the record straight and permit the nation to get on with its business, which is following professional athletics on television.

Politicalese: "I have reluctantly decided to accede to the wishes of millions of voters and will seek public office at the very next election."

Translation: My mother told me I either had to get a job or move out of the house.

Politicalese: "I will seek office on a platform of high employment, low taxes, improved governmental services and greater efficiency."

Translation: Yeah, right, and in the meantime, I'll create Heaven and Earth in only six days.

Politicalese: "The solutions I am offering will solve the federal deficit, create better schools, improve welfare programs and permit everyone to retire by the age of 55."

Translation: And if I'm lucky, I'll die of natural causes before anyone learns I'm full of hot air.

Politicalese: "While I have pledged myself to a clean, honest campaign, my opponent has resorted to the vilest, most evil tactics imaginable to attack me and my solutions for a greater state."

Translation: Those no good SOBs got hold of our campaign plans.

Politicalese: "The opposition says our proposals for restoring the economy are simply unworkable and have offered their own plans which are clearly unacceptable."

Translation: How can they claim to understand our proposal when we don't have the slightest idea what it means?

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.