MISSOURI WATCH: MISSOURI HEADLINES FOR 1996

Here's a sample of the kinds of headlines Missourians could be reading in their newspapers in the next 12 months:

BOB GRIFFIN NAMES HIMSELF

HOUSE SPEAKER EMERITUS

JEFFERSON CITY -- Before he retired his 15-year stint as head of the Missouri House of Representatives, Cameron's Bob Griffin created a new legislative post, Speaker Emeritus, and then immediately named himself to the new position. As outlined in the proclamation, the Speaker Emeritus will be empowered to preside over the House whenever he feels like it, and can declare any bill truly passed and agreed on. Although his action was immediately protested by lawmakers...

DISNEY CORPORATION ANNOUNCES

IT HAS PURCHASED BRANSON

LOS ANGELES -- In a surprise move, the Disney Corp. today announced it had purchased the city of Branson, Mo., and had acquired all of the theaters in the Southwest Missouri community. Although the purchase price was not disclosed, an industry analyst said acquisition was part of a company plan to own all entertainment acts in the U.S. by the end of the decade. Rumors circulated in Hollywood that Disney's new target would be Nashville or the Missouri House of Representatives...

MISSOURI HOUSE BLACK CAUCUS

DEMANDS OFFICE OF LT. GOVERNOR

JEFFERSON CITY -- After successfully thwarting efforts of their fellow Democrats to find a suitable successor to the newly appointed speaker emeritus (see headline above), members of the Black Caucus in the Missouri House of Representatives demanded passage of legislation that would require the office of lieutenant governor be occupied by an Afro-American. A spokesman for the group said since blacks make-up 10 percent of the state's population, they were entitled to hold an office that was only 10 percent as powerful as governor. Asked if the caucus had a candidate in mind, one member said there seemed to be a consensus for 0. J. Simpson, who had already agreed to...

COMMERCIAL HOGS TO BE FEATURED

ON MISSOURI'S NEW LICENSE PLATE

KANSAS CITY -- At a joint press conference attended by Gov. Mel Carnahan and the presidents of commercial hog farms in Missouri, it was announced that the state's newly designed license plate would depict Missouri's newest major industry. "We think it is appropriate to honor this new industry," the governor said, "since it has not only provided hundreds of new jobs but has also created renewed interest in keeping our rivers and streams free of pollution." The state's motto will be altered, changing it from the "Show Me State" to the "Smell Me State," according to a spokesman holding his nose as he...

CAPITAL COUP BY HIGHWAY COMMISSION

TAKES CONTROL OF REVENUE DEPARTMENT

JEFFERSON CITY -- In a move that caught most of this capital city by surprise, heavily armed highway department engineers occupied the nearby offices of the Department of Revenue and took control of all incoming taxes being collected by the state. An Uzi-bearing spokesman for the engineers said the ruling junta had grown impatient with the agency's ignored demands for more money and had decided to take matters in their own hands. Aided by private contractors throughout the state, the highway department...

JUDI MORIARTY PLANS POLITICAL

COMEBACK AS AN AFRO-AMERICAN

SEDALIA -- Former Secretary of State Judi Moriarty today announced plans to make a political comeback, saying she would run this year for the office of lieutenant governor. "I realize this means I must become an Afro-American, and I am hereby declaring myself to be one in order to qualify for this highly important post in state government," she said at a press conference at her newly opened barbecue stand...

ST. LOUIS RAMS MOVING ACROSS

THE RIVER, FRONTIERE ANNOUNCES

EAST ST. LOUIS, Ill. -- Standing in the middle of an abandoned housing complex, St. Louis Rams owner Georgia Frontiere announced the area would soon see the construction of a new stadium housing her St. Louis Rams. "We are able to get a larger percentage of the proceeds here in East St. Louis, and we'll be able to sell new personal seat licenses over here, thereby enhancing our profit," Frontiere stated. She said she had received assurances from city officials that a new stadium could be built in time for next year's season and...

MISSOURI COLUMNIST STONED BY ANGRY

OFFICIALS, POLITICIANS AND HOG FARMERS

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.