MISSOURI WATCH: ANY QUESTIONS, MR. PRESIDENT?

I don't know whether you have been watching Mr. Clinton's televised press conferences lately, but I believe the White House has come up with a new art form, which for want of a better term I'll label the Whitewater Shuffle. But, first, a little background on presidential meetings with the nation's news media.

The first thing you should know is that only duly accredited, steely thighed White House correspondents are allowed to ask questions. It isn't generally known, but duly accredited White House correspondents are the most important people in the whole world. As soon as you meet them, you can tell.

Every White House correspondent comes to the presidential press conference with a pencil, a notepad and a question. The correspondent doesn't-want to hear all the other press inquiries. He wants to hear his question. But before he can ask his question, he has to get Mr. Clinton to point at him. That's why he or she has steely thighs.

You see, you have to stand up in order to get the president to point his finger at you, so you can say your question. But you can't stand up until Mr. Clinton has finished answering the last question, the one that no one heard except the reporter who asked it. All around the room you can see reporters poised on the edge of their chairs, like waiting panthers. As Mr. Clinton slows down, each one rises tentatively to a low crouch.

If the president thinks of something further to say, reporters must sink back. He slows. The reporters poise. They crouch. He stops. The reporters leap!

By actual count, 39 duly accredited White House correspondents have been seen moving up and down in almost perfect unison. From the back it's like watching the violin bows in a symphony orchestra. So, after all that, the 39 reporters hold their breath to see who gets that one chance of being pointed at. What's interesting is that some of these press people still haven't connected the presidential finger point to the nature of the Watergate stories they have been writing in recent months. Good story/maybe a finger point. Bad column/not a prayer.

The first press conferences I ever attended was during Jack Kennedy's first year in office. Thank heavens, I didn't get the chance to ask a question. I was still young and extremely nervous, being in awe of even the White House guards and doormen. Had I gotten a presidential point, I would have probably said, "Mr. President, how are things in Glockamorra?"

The other day I received an invitation to attend a future presidential press conference, which is why I have been playing squat tag recently. That's to strengthen my things. And I'm working up this fascinating -12-minute question on agrarian reform in the Mali Republic. I plan to offer this question to let my relatives know I arrived safely and that I'm not running around with Dick Morris while I'm in the capital.

Since receiving the invitation, I've been thinking about presidential press conferences and I have a great idea for the stuffy people who fool around with media credentials, White House passes and stuff like that. For the good of the country, I'm going to suggest that the order of these sessions be reversed, letting Mr. Clinton ask the questions.

Think about it: here's Mr. Clinton in a roomful of the brightest people in Washington, men and women who know all the answers to the silly questions they pose while the whole country watches. Does anyone think Sam Donaldson, Brit Hume and Jeff Greenfield don't know exactly what the president should do about getting congressional approval of the new trade agreement he's promoting?

We all know that Cokie Roberts, George Will and the guy from the New York Times with a stutter have already figured out how to balance the budget. They've strongly implied they have it completely mapped out and all that's now required is for the president to sign on.

It's certainly in the nation's best interest for the president to receive all the well-researched, balanced and authoritative information that reporters' deep research provides. And since all of the above do nothing but research, study and analyze, it's appropriate for Mr. Clinton to question them.

A president needs people who know all the answers.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.