MISSOURI WATCH: ALL-PURPOSE CAMPAIGN SPEECH

Fellow Missourians, I am here today to ask for your blood, your sweat and your tears, and especially your money, as we embark on another great journey on the sea of what I like to call The Great American Democracy. As we launch the ship which we all know as the U.S.S. State of Missouri, we must hold steady the course from this memorable election to the next, and I would once again like to be your captain as we sail toward a more perfect union and establish peace, tranquillity and prosperity within this marvelous state of ours. We will not rest until we touch the far-away shores of perfect statehood, where every citizen is guaranteed the right of life, liberty, pursuit of prosperity and a winning football team.

Fellow Missourians, we have a great state here. We have golden fields of grain, white fields of cotton and brown rivers from mega hog farms. We have great universities, and some even have presidents and chancellors, and we have thriving industries that produce every product known to man, from tacky Ozark souvenirs to supersonic fighter planes that are, as we speak, being built by inexperienced workers are taking up the slack of 6,700 striking machinists.

Fellow Missourians, we have great cities, some of which are not bankrupt, which have led our state into this century with their remarkable civic accomplishments, such as securing stadium financing from every taxpayer of this state, and which have built great municipal monuments, such as arches, as in McDonald's, and rapid transit systems, all financed through crafty manipulation of what I like to call the Public Purse. It is leadership like this that has made our cities great, although somewhat smaller every day as hundreds seek greener, quieter and safer neighborhoods in the suburban wastelands of malls, shopping centers, tanning salons and golf courses.

Fellow Missourians, I would be remiss if I did not point out that today we face a monumental tug-of-war as we seek to keep our citizens from the clutches of undertakers. Yes, crime is taking a bite out of our civic sandwich and we must not let that happen. Residents of our great cities are now fearful for their lives, their cars, their homes and their purses. Particularly, their purses. We must get a better handle on crime, preventing it before it occurs, and while I have no solutions ready for public announcement at this time, I am certain that if you decide in all your wisdom to elect me in November, I will come up with a satisfactory solution, and I pledge to you here today that I will also find some way to finance my solution, whatever it may be, other than ask for more tax increase. You shouldn't have to worry whether you can sit on your porch at night without being gunned down in a blaze of submachine gun fire and worry about new taxes at the same time. I make this solemn promise: Only one worry at a time!

Fellow Missourians, I would be remiss if I did not also mention that we have a few other problems, all of which I feel certain can be resolved through your guidance and wisdom, particularly at the polls in November. My opponent has said I offer no solutions for the problems before us, but I say, with all due modesty, that I have a boundless list of problems to which I will devote every fiber of my being to resolve as we make our great journey over what I like to call the Great Electoral Experiment. If in your wisdom you honor me in November with your vote and support and especially your contributions, I promise you that someday, perhaps in the far beyond, our great University of Missouri football team will win a game. Yes, my friends, I pledge my trust, honor and integrity, that someday, perhaps in the far future, we shall all rejoice on the real grass playing field of our beloved Old Mizzou. Although the details of my plan have not been thought out, I plan to propose that we use the revenues from our great Missouri Riverboat Casino Gambling and Slot Machine Emporiums to buy lock, stock and barrel the complete campus, buildings, faculty, coaches and football players of the University of Nebraska, America's leading professional football center. Then watch us win!

Fellow Missourians, I won't lie to you, like my opponent does every time he opens his mouth, we have some problems. Some say, using poor grammar, that we have an education problem. I say we doesn't. Why, our schools are the best anywheres. Some say we have a welfare problem, but just because we have some folks who go around hungry doesn't mean they are necessarily starving. I happen to know that a lot of them are on diets and are merely trying to lose weight after having lived off the fat of the land all these years. Folks, nothing will cause you more weight gain than poor diets, which come from eating cold lard and moldy cheese. I say let's give these folks all the encouragement they need as they try to lose weight and gain back their dignity as useful citizens.

Fellow Missourians, some complain that we have a health problem in our state. Now, that's sick. We don't have any health problem in what I like to call the Great State of Well America. We only have a doctor shortage, along with a lack of low-cost hospital care and a little, teeny health insurance undercoverage. I have a plan to overcome these obstacles toward joyful senility and as soon as I get a few details worked out, you will be the first to know what I have come up with. In the meantime, I implore you to stay well, eat well, don't drink the water and stay away from undrained swamps and untested municipal water systems, particularly those where you have to pump the water yourself in the village square. And, listen, folks, regardless of what my opponent is saying, we don't have a mental health problem here in what I like to call the Great State of Normalcy. The reason we don't have a state mental health problem is that our great state, in all its wisdom, is shutting down its mental hospitals and placing patients somewhere. I am somewhat unclear where it is we are sending them. Maybe to all the prisons we have been building.

So take care, folks, and be sure to vote for me in November. If you don't, you will be depriving Missouri of my wisdom, experience, wit, intelligence, modesty and new ideas.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.