MISSOURI WATCH: A CAMPAIGN PRIMER FOR POLITICAL JUNKIES

If you are a part of the dwindling population segment that can be improperly labeled Politicum Junkus, otherwise known as Political Junkies, chances are you have been studying the news in search of this year's major campaign issues. Let's face it, once a Junkie has gotten past the personal foibles of the political candidates, the attention span begins to drop off the screen, and so those who are hopelessly addicted to politics search wildly for something called Issues.

In reality, there are few Issues that have any direct bearing on the outcome of an election, but Junkies pretend they do simply because they have long grown weary of thinking about Bill Clinton's roving eye or Bob Dole's sour disposition. For those who pursue a greater understanding of what we euphemistically refer to as the Democratic Political Process, Issues are highly important. To those who really disdain everything about politics, and particularly the politicians who engage in it, the pursuit of Issues is enthusiastically ignored, viewed only as a single aspirin to assuage the pounding headache of listening to Democrats and Republicans flail each other with continuous lies, distortions and half-truths.

Although I could be guilty of enhancing the addiction of Political Junkies, I would like to provide this pathetic group with a list of the issues that will no doubt be discussed, ad nauseam, from now through November 5, and then will be regurgitated, ad nauseam, from November 6 until a President is sworn into office on January 15, 1997. After all, if a patient is fighting to live, he is entitled to be told the viruses that have infected him. So here are the political diseases we'll all be threatened with in the next 10 months:

Virus No. 1: Abortion. Gee, have many years have we been debating this subject? Was Tom Jefferson pro-life or pro-choice? Did Thomas Paine ever accuse George III of arranging a C-section for one of his mistresses? The big issue this year is about partial-birth abortions, which both parties apparently agree are bad. To illustrate how highly refined this argument has become, consider that there are only about 500 partial-birth abortions performed every year, out of 1.4 million. Virtually every doctor avoids partial-birth abortions unless there is a threat of deformity to the child or a threat to the mother. Despite bipartisan opposition to partial-birth abortions, expect to hear about this subject for the remainder of the year, with candidates saying nothing new day after day after day.

Virus No. 2: Downsizing. While hundreds of thousands of workers have been affected by job losses, the political parties believe they have a stake in solving this problem, although remedies are hard to come by. It is hard to get proposed solutions for a national "crisis" during a time of record-low unemployment, particularly when politicians have no power to interfere with corporate management strategies for staying in business. Relevancy, however, is not relevant when it comes to campaign issues, and so the Democrats will accuse the opposition of being insensitive and the Republicans will charge opponents with micro-management of private enterprise.

Virus No. 3: Income Disparity. This is first cousin to Virus No. 2, but both parties will agree that it needs professional and compassionate care and treatment, although neither can find a cure. So what else is new, particularly when the Democratic President apologized to a bunch of millionaires for raising their taxes too much and when the Republican candidate takes pride in noting how poor his father was. When you have economic bleeding hearts on both sides of the aisle, about all income-challenged families can expect is an aspirin and plenty of bed rest.

Virus No. 4: Social Security. Although Republicans initially opposed it, they are now anxious to save Social Security from bankruptcy. Democrats, who never fail to take credit for the program, seldom mention that it was first proposed by a Republican President. Experts say the program can be made healthy by making a few common sense adjustments that would have been made years ago if it were in the private sector. However, had remedies been supplied too quickly, the issue would have disappeared from the campaign screen, never to be heard of again, and we can't have that, can we?

Virus No. 5: Assault Weapons. There is as much posturing over this issue as the one on abortion. Both parties are arguing over such pieces as the AK-47, Uzis and spray guns, weapons that the National Rifle Association will defend to every victim's last breath. The problem is that most of the crime today is not the result of an Uzi-armed urban thug but by small handguns that are available everywhere. Democrats believe the tiny decrease in crime can be laid to existing bans, which is pure malarkey since no robber ever called off a heist because he didn't have an AK-47 handy, and Republicans somehow believe that assault weapons is a free-enterprise issue, particularly since the NRA has proved to be their campaign sugar-daddy.

Virus No. 6: Gambling. Our government warns citizens against excessive use of alcohol, smoking and drugs, but Congress has refused even to study what may become an extremely dangerous addiction. Because of the taxes raised by gambling enterprises from state lotteries to riverboat casinos to bingo, our elected representatives can be counted on not to look these gifts horses in the mouth. Which ought to be instructive if you are ever debating whether politicians care more about the well-being of their constituents or having money to dispense to assure their continued presence in state and national capitols. However, the odds are eight to five that we will hear campaign warnings from both parties about excessive gambling, a phrase that suggests enough gambling to pay for governmental spending is perfectly acceptable, even if it ruins thousands of lives.

Virus No. 7: Declining Morals. Listening to a political candidate discuss declining morals is like Strom Thurmond listing the advantages of term limits. Neither party has an answer, but it would help if the leadership of both took some personal responsibility in alleviating it.

As you must realize by now, the hazards of the campaign are frightening. Get immunized at the earliest possible moment!

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.