Love's secret garden

Perhaps, the most important pursuit human beings embark on is a connection with another person. I'm not talking about jawing it up with the guys at the bar or over coffee or talking with girls at the book club, but about real emotional connection; the type of relationship that gives you the confidence to go out and conquer the world -- a connection that feels safe and secure.

No other pursuit has been given as much attention throughout history. Thousands upon thousands of songs, paintings, poems and books are a testament to one of the most basic of human needs: to love and be loved.

In my line of work I see the best and worst of this pursuit. Those confounded by love ask the same question, "Why is love so painful?"

The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, offered keen insight when he said, "We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love."

One of life's cruel ironies is that our closest relationships are not only the source of our greatest joys but also of our deepest pain. The pain that comes from such experiences causes us to protect ourselves from being hurt again.

Many men and women hide behind masks and build up walls that disguise their perceived weakness and inadequacy. We internalize negative experiences and make them part of our identity.

Many women I have worked with attribute failure in relationships to assumed physical flaws or misspoken words. Some men are hurt and discouraged by pressure they feel to provide for their wives and children. Too many men believe they are failures. When we hide our proverbial warts, we rob ourselves of true intimacy -- being accepted by another as we really are.

In his song "Secret Garden," Bruce Springsteen describes the challenges of being vulnerable:

She'll lead you down a path

There'll be tenderness in the air

She'll let you come just far enough

So you know she's really there

She'll look at you and smile

And her eyes will say

She's got a secret garden

Where everything you want

Where everything you need

Will always stay

A million miles away.

Often times, the distance in relationships is a consequence of not immersing the whole of us in it. We all have secret gardens where we hide parts of us connected to our pain and doubt.

Love, like most rewarding things in life, requires risk. Love isn't always safe. Sharing our fears, hopes and dreams creates intimacy. Intimacy is a sweet release, where the secret garden is a shared space.

The happiest of love relationships are characterized by honesty and acceptance. Our secrets keep us millions of miles away from one another.

Isn't it time to get closer?

Travis Smith is a husband, father of three, professor and marriage counselor in Cape Girardeau. He also maintains a private practice and can be reached at travissmith@me.com.