LETTERS: IF WE KEEP ELIAN IN U.S., WE CAN TEACH HIM THINGS, LIKE HOW TO BUY CARGO PANTS

To the editor:

Being the dedicated fashion maven that I am, I have noticed the leisure suit of the new millennium: cargo pants. You've seen them, those pants (or shorts) made out of everything from denim to camping-tent nylon with the strategically placed pocket slapped halfway down the outside of each thigh. My opinion of these engineering marvels changed a few weeks ago from mild irritation to outright hilarious disgust when I saw an ad for cargo pajama bottoms. After all, there's no telling when you might need to carry binoculars, a water bottle and a first-aid kit on that treacherous late-night journey from the bed to the bathroom.

My natural investigative instincts demanded that I determine exactly how real-live people use these extraneous storage compartments, so I took a field trip to the local mall and parked myself on a bench, notebook in hand, to observe and document. As near as I could tell, out of 114 pairs of cargo pants of varying styles and lengths worn by all different ages and genders, exactly three of them actually contained cargo in the pockets. I will readily admit to the unscientific nature of my survey, but the exercise did serve a useful purpose in terms of comic relief and in reinforcing my opinions.

Which, of course, leads us to the Y2Census.

I was extremely disappointed not to have received an official Y2Census form in the mail. Nor have I been visited by my friendly Y2Census worker, nor by the Gallup organization, nor by the Nielsens, nor by anyone else who is supposed to be interested in my opinions and lifestyle choices. And I was looking forward to that official Y2Census long form too. Answering all those useless questions about the trivia of my existence would have been the delicious equivalent of making the government buy a pair of cargo pants. Sure, it's completely unnecessary 99.9 percent of the time, but you never can tell. I have no idea whether they will count Elian Gonzalez in the Y2Census. Yes, he'll stay. Wait. No he won't. Yes, he will. No, he won't. I see multiple visits in that particular friendly Y2Census worker's future.

There has been an absolutely unbelievable amount of time and money spent by individuals in the highest levels of at least two governments in deciding the fate of that particular unfortunate boy. The poor kid has been showered with every material possession any red-blooded American 6-year-old would kill to have, inadvertently teaching him volumes about what American priorities really are. And, in the meantime, thousands of other children in other less media-savvy parts of the world slowly starve to death.

For the sake of the principles of democracy (or something), we will do whatever it takes to make sure this one boy wants to stay in the Land of Opportunity. We'll teach him that an individual does matter, even if it's at the cost of thousands of other individuals very much like him. We'll teach him that every individual has the right to choose, even if it means choosing to ignore the plight of thousands of other individuals very much like him. And we'll teach him to be ever vigilant against the enemies of freedom, to be a good Scout and to be prepared.

We'll teach him to buy cargo pants.

KARL MINDEMAN

Jackson