If you're reading this, maybe you'll want to drop me a line

Once again, kind readers, I am resorting to the biggest crutch available to column writers: the mailbag.

It has been a while since I shared some of your pithy letters, terse e-mails and crudely hand-lettered notes on napkins that actually look used.

Hey. I'm not proud. I'm just glad someone reads my weekly musings.

As a matter of fact, you can see how much I appreciate your cards and letters in the following e-mail exchange with a longtime friend who now is the chamber of commerce executive in Modesto, Calif.:

Dear Joe: I thought I'd drop you a note to say hello. I was browsing the Southeast Missourian tonight while my 2- and 4-year-old watch a double feature of "Scooby Doo." Aren't you glad you rank above that? Enjoyed reading your recent columns. I'll try to keep up with you on Fridays. By the way, I drive through a great roundabout every day. ... Someday we'll have to compare stories about our mayors. ... Modesto, Calif., is like heaven compared to most places I've lived in my life. Keep in touch and say hello to my good friend, John Mehner. -- Gary Plummer

Gary: Good grief! The readership of my column just tripled. One other fellow claims to read it faithfully, but he's a half-wit.

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Hey, Joe. At our coffee group the other day, someone referred to you as "that idiot editor." Is that true? -- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: First, I know who you are. Second, I looked up "idiot" in the dictionary. I think it would have been far more accurate to have called me "that moron editor." But why quibble?

n

Joe: What's all this talk in Speak Out about a run for mayor. Are you really going to pitch your hat in the ring? -- Concerned Voter

Dear Concerned Voter: If you were really concerned, you would be out drumming up some candidates who could actually get elected. Of course I'm not a candidate for mayor. See the comment above. I'm either an idiot or a moron. Is that what you want for mayor? And to all you Speak Out callers who keep commenting about this, please stop it. It's really upsetting to my mother. First you raise her hopes that I might actually amount to something, then you take potshots at her own flesh and blood. Leave her out of this. Finally -- if you must really know -- the reason I'm not running is because I don't own a hat.

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Dear Editor: Boy, a lot of people really know how to shoot the messenger. I'm referring to the ruckus over the photo showing the burning of the you-know-what before the big football game. All that fuss over a dumb picture. You didn't build that bonfire. What do you say about all this? -- Big Fan

Dear Big Fan: Your description -- "dumb picture" -- is 100 percent accurate. I couldn't even see the bonfire. Could you? By the way, if the messenger was fatally wounded every time he got shot, there would be no news. Thank goodness, flesh wounds inflicted on newspeople heal quickly. It must be because of the active, healthy lifestyle they all live. Or maybe it's the ink mist they inhale.

n

Mr. Sullivan: You haven't mentioned the Downtown Golf Course for quite a while. Why? -- A.J.M.

Dear A.J.M.: The only people who call me Mr. Sullivan are bill collectors, some preachers and one of the stock boys at the supermarket. Which one are you? But thanks, anyway, for asking about the golf course -- which, by the way, is properly called the World Famous Downtown Golf Course and All-You-Can-Eat Catfish Buffet. If you've been reading the newspaper at all, you already know that the city and university are constructing cart paths as we speak. Because of all the politics and legal issues involved, however, neither the city nor the university can publicly call them cart paths. Sometimes you read about the "riverfront trail" on the damp side of the floodwall. Or "walking trails" at the River Campus. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

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Joe: How come you always say no one reads your column? How can you get all that mail to write about if nobody reads it? -- Curious Reader

Dear Curious Reader: You admit you read my column? Please don't take offense, but that must make you the half-wit. My guess is everyone else has it read to them.

n

Dear Sir: Please cancel my subscription. Your column is drivel. Why should I pay good money for your nonsense? -- Angry Reader

Dear Angry Reader: I wouldn't pay good money just to read my column either. But surely you have other reasons to buy the newspaper. Don't you own a pet?

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.