IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT, JUST WHY ARE YOU PACKING IT?

This Sunday marks the 200th birthday of the U.S. Bill of Rights. Larry Pratt doesn't feel much like celebrating.

Things have never looked so bleak for freedom lovers like Larry. "Politicians are stripping away our rights like one strips the layers off an onion," he writes.

Whoa! I know discourse, and those are the words of a man troubled by all around him. One doesn't use metaphors involving produce unless deeply depressed.

Just what has gotten Larry Pratt down in the dumps?

The Second Amendment, of course. Gosh, it gets the best of all of us.

Larry is executive director of a Virginia-based group called Gun Owners of America. He feels the right to bear arms is methodically becoming a thing of the past. Needless to say, he's saddened by this development.

He forwarded an essay to my desk recently containing arguments that might generously be described as ... well, interesting.

Larry cited as an example the case this autumn where a troubled man named George Hennard crashed his truck into a crowded cafeteria in Killeen, Texas, and proceeded to shoot all around him with an automatic weapon.

This tragic event has also been summoned by forces wanting more strict gun control laws. They say keeping an automatic weapon out of Hennard's hands, through the ban of its sale, might have saved lives.

The argument Larry uses roughly stands this contention on its head. According to Larry, the problem in Killeen was not the fact that one madman had access to a gun, but that every level-headed citizen in the place didn't have one.

Writes Larry: "If only one other person had had a gun in Luby's cafeteria, George Hennard would have been dodging bullets instead of spewing them."

Oh.

Larry bolstered his argument by making reference to a 1984 incident in which four Arab terrorists opened fire in a Jerusalem cafe. Armed Israelis in the cafe returned fire and killed three of the terrorists.

What was Larry's point? "The only person who can really defend you in a moment of crisis is you," he contends.

While trying to maneuver through his murky turn of logic, ask yourself this: In choosing an eating establishment where you might avoid a lunatic's bullet, would you feel more secure in Killeen or in Jerusalem?

Just knowing that pistol-packing Israelis were sitting at tables around me might tend to lessen my appetite.

Something tells me Larry does not have an insincere bone in his body and believes fervently in his cause. I am also convinced that others who advocate the rights of gun owners cringe when Larry gets up to speak in public.

Some legitimate arguments, historical and legal, can be assembled in defending gun ownership. Recalling the glory days of Dodge City, which Larry has done in spirit if not in words, leaves his contentions short of persuasive.

Larry calls to mind Archie Bunker, that famed philosopher of television's classic "All In The Family."

Archie once argued that airlines had erred in their attempt to curtail skyjackings. Instead of erecting metal detectors to keep people from carrying firearms onto planes, the airlines should hand out pistols to each passenger. That way, all who fly would be on a level playing field once airborne gunplay breaks out.

Trouble is, "All In The Family" writers presented Archie's arguments as farce. One gets the feeling Larry might simply listen to them and nod his head in agreement.

Thus, we might think of giving Larry Pratt, forlorn over the demise of constitutional freedoms, a line that Archie Bunker loved. It may give him solace as he mourns the Second Amendment.

"America, love it or leave it."

Maybe he could try Jerusalem.