His suicide, her responsibility?

NOTE: I put fingers to keyboard prior to the verdict in this case. The verdict has now been rendered. Read on for my pre-verdict thoughts, and read my "Followup" for my thoughts after the verdict.

I am not a lawyer. I write this, therefore, not from the perspective of one deeply entrenched in the law, but as one immersed in common sense.

By now, I imagine you've heard about the young woman who, as a teenager, allegedly encouraged her boyfriend to commit suicide, which he did, and she now faces the possibility of going to prison.

Michelle Carter was 17 at the time. Now, at 20, she is charged with involuntary manslaughter, accused of responding to Conrad Roy III's text message threats to kill himself by egging him on. She reportedly went so far as to tell him to "get back in" his truck when he was going to relent from his plan to end it all with carbon monoxide.

This is a tragedy. Whenever someone reaches a place where dying is preferable to living, it is heartbreaking. It always makes me wonder, "Was there no sliver of hope to get this person past whatever agony he was facing?" To reach the place where absolutely no light could be detected is unfathomable and should make each of us want to reach out and love on those around us -- to lay aside the selfishness, cluelessness and busyness that often render us oblivious to the pain others endure. The age of this young man makes it even more painful. Eighteen-year-olds should be teeming with life and dreams. This young man should have been full of expectations for his future. Instead, he apparently found life unbearable, and not just at this moment, either, because he had attempted suicide before.

Having stated the obvious -- the tragedy of it all -- let me move on. Roy's demise rests on him. He made the decision to end his life. Carter, really just a child at the time, reportedly spurred him on, which is something most of us cannot fathom. Who encourages someone to commit suicide? But the choice was still his. The charges against her speak to where society has come: no personal responsibility for what we do. It's the "She made me do it" syndrome.

"I'm running in the hall, teacher, because Johnny's chasing me."

"Well, Jeremy, Johnny couldn't chase you if you weren't running. That would be impossible."

I don't trivialize pain, but I do highlight personal responsibility. If someone is sick enough to tell you to kill yourself, and you do it, how is that not your responsibility? You took the action. You chose to respond to callous calls for your death. When I was growing up, whenever my peers told our parents that so-and-so did such-and-such so that's why we did such-and-such also, parents would respond, "If so-and-so told you to jump off the bridge, would you do it?" The answer was obvious. But so much has changed.

In my book, "Push Your Way to Purpose," I wrote a section called "Anti-Bullying Bull." It highlights that we have lost our way with our anti-bully programs, particularly in schools. While we must aggressively deal with bullies, the reality is they will always exist. We will never create enough rules or have enough assemblies to keep everyone from being a jerk. Therefore, we cannot simply coach people out of bullying. We must, rather -- or also -- help people handle life when they are bullied -- because someone will always bully someone else. Why don't we spend as much time talking to young people about their worth, identity and purpose so they will have the strength to overcome the hatefulness they will surely experience? This is preferable to allowing others to drive them over the edge.

Post-verdict Followup:

Judge Lawrence Moniz found Carter guilty of involuntary manslaughter last week. She faces up to 20 years in prison. Experienced lawyers have voiced disagreement and are concerned at where such a verdict may take us. As for me, I wonder if I tell someone not to pay her light bill and she doesn't, am I responsible if the electric company turns off her electricity? Roy's situation is much more serious than an electric bill, of course, but the principle applies.

I am so sorry Roy took his life, and my heart hurts for his family. I wish he had found hope to get past his pain, and I wish he had a better friend to turn to than Carter. Her text messages were horrible, but as horrible as they were, I maintain that he holds responsibility for his actions.

I realize this is a sensitive issue and people may have strong opinions. I welcome your thoughts.

Adrienne Ross is an author, editor, columnist, speaker, and former teacher and coach. She is also a Southeast Missourian editorial board member and owner of Adrienne Ross Communications. Contact her at aross@semissourian.com.