Don't be afraid, it's only a TV commercial

Once upon a time, boys and girls, advertising found its way to this newfangled medium called television.

Those were the days, believe it or not, when there was no confusion about the products being advertised.

Really, I'm not making this up. This is a true story.

Those were the days when laundry detergents and bath soaps competed for the attention of consumers during daytime TV programming. Hence, the term "soap opera."

Brands like Oxydol and Spic and Span both made claims that had housewives rushing to the store. (It would take another whole column, maybe more, to explain what "housewives" were.)

In the good old days of TV commercials, simple and ordinary products were touted. Antacids like Alka-Seltzer promised to relieve upset tummies. Everyone knew the jingle: "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is." And it didn't take a doctor's prescription to buy this miracle in a tablet.

Automobiles, beer, cigarettes and toothpaste -- all the essentials -- were advertised on TV back in the day.

Take automobiles, for example. Remember when each of the car manufacturers came out with the latest models in the fall of the year? This was a big deal, because the auto industry was one of the most creative and innovative in its attempt to sway consumers to purchase one make or the other. Fins on the rear fenders and a new palate of colors caught your imagination. Standing in a dealer's showroom on new-model day was like being an eyewitness to a miracle. And TV commercials reinforced the new-model frenzy. Those were the days -- you probably won't believe this -- when you could tell a Ford from a Chevrolet from a Buick. Honest to goodness.

Why am I so nostalgic about TV commercials from the late 1950s and early 1960s? I'll tell you. For the simple reason that I see slick TV ads these days that generally fall into two categories:

One, when the commercial ends, I have no clue about what was being promoted.

Two, when the commercial ends, I am scared out of my wits to try the product being promoted.

Worst of all, I can't tell a Chrysler from a Kia when it comes to new cars. When did they all start coming off the same assembly line?

Think about a huge, multinational corporation that spends millions and millions of dollars to influence consumers, but the ads are so vague that you wrack your brain after a 30-second spiel. Is that getting good value for your money?

And look at those ads for various drugs that require prescriptions. Based on what the TV ads tell me, I'd only take them if I were trying to live out the rest of my life in agony or if I were ready to end my very existence. The possible side effects of these compounds don't make these miracle drugs sound like a great deal.

See, there were no such disclaimers for Crest and Pepsodent. You never heard a voiceover saying, "Fighting cavities may result in cramps, vomiting or death." Never. Ever.

When medical sanity arrived at the door of tobacco companies, it didn't change the message about cigarettes. Instead, it took away the message, at least from television. So the government has continued to benefit from a robust tobacco industry while warning tobacco users that they were killing themselves in the process.

Only in America would it make sense to solve a health problem by banning advertising -- which, by the way, smacks of First Amendment ramifications, doesn't it?

Look, surely even tobacco companies can see what would happen to their industry if they pushed products that would kill off their loyal customers. Right?

Maybe there is a correlation between ads (or a ban on ads) for certain products that kill you and ads for more products that supposedly cure you -- but also could kill you.

So if cigarettes don't kill you, maybe they cause health problems that can be eased by new drugs that could -- guess what? -- kill you.

If I am nostalgic for the days when I understood every TV commercial, it is because I think most of us would let our teeth rot out if toothpaste ads included warnings about the side effects. Just think about it. Shoving a toothbrush in your mouth could potentially lead to choking and even asphyxiation. Why aren't there any warnings about that?

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.