Developing new medications

First is the naming department, where goofy sounding names with multiple syllables and weird spellings are picked. Next is the music department, where a theme song is selected. Since most medications are taken by us more seasoned folks, catchy tunes from our younger days are preferred.

Then on to the casting department, where actors are picked to laugh and dance while the above music is playing and the announcer is telling all the hideous side-effects the medication may cause, up to and including death. The actors must be fairly old, but look young, healthy and vigorous. (Good teeth and hair are a must!) This is also the part where the announcer says tell your doctor this, tell your doctor that, tell your doctor something else, call your doctor if this happens, etc. (Doctors love this part.) Professional choreographers are often used to get just the right amount of playfulness going on with the actors to distract from the talk concerning side effects and doctors.

And, oh yeah, the research and development department must come up with some kind of new medication, preferably for something other than toenail fungus or warts, which are already taken.

And finally, the finance and marketing department determines the cost of the new medication. Generally, about 48% of the cost will be for advertising, a like amount for profit, and about 4% for R&D cost, production and distribution.

Gary L. Gaines, Cape Girardeau