Dear Doctor

The letters I get are interesting, informative, critical, angry, humorous, combative and, in some cases, printable in a family newspaper.

But this week I'm turning the tables. Here are copies of some letters I've written this week.

Dear Doctor,

I have seen news reports this week that say certain prescription drugs that are supposed to help people sleep soundly have been producing curious and unwanted side effects. I am having those same side effects. However, I am not taking the drugs.

The side effects described in the stories say that some people are cooking meals, driving and even showing up for work in their sleep. That happens to me all the time. Example: I have no memory whatsoever of writing this column. But here it is.

So, Doc, do you think if I started taking some of these prescription drugs my symptoms might go away? Please get back to me as soon as possible, because my wife is getting a mite annoyed with my all-too-common excuse: Gosh, I must have been asleep when I did that.

Dear Doctor,

Our cat, the calico Miss Kitty, continues to put on weight. This is something of a mystery to my wife and me, because we do not overfeed her. Besides that, we know she's sharing her food with the one-eyed tomcat from across the street.

In addition to growing in girth, Miss Kitty is spending more and more time on the roof of our house.

So, Doc, do you think Miss's Kitty's weight gain might be due to the altitude?

We're pretty sure that the turned-up mayonnaise jar lid with milk (fat-free, of course) doesn't have anything to do with this.

Dear Doctor,

The new toothbrush you gave me during my last checkup is amazing. The package plainly said this toothbrush was an amazing revolutionary design, and it is exactly that.

The new toothbrush is shaped just so, and I can reach my back teeth and the inside of my front teeth without having to stand on my head or dislocate my jaw.

So, Doc, do you think I can skip the flossing? My toothpaste is multicare whitening fluoride mint-flavored gel, if that's any help.

Dear Doctor,

Just as you predicted, the ache in my shoulder disappeared after I followed your advice.

When I told you how many muscles were hurting after the 31-bags-of-gravel incident of last week, you said you could guarantee relief in my shoulders. Remember? I told you I went to the store and found 31 fifty-pound bags of gravel for a landscaping project, loaded them onto a heavy-duty cart, pushed the cart to my car, loaded the bags into my car, drove home, unloaded the bags into my wheelbarrow, pushed the wheelbarrow from the driveway across the patio to the back yard, unloaded the 31 bags and carried each bag one at a time to the area I was landscaping, and you said, "You'd feel a lot better if you gave up landscaping."

So, Doc, do you think if I stop driving by fast-food restaurants and barbecue joints I'll finally start losing some weight?

Dear Doctor,

The "Reverend" in front of your name makes you someone I don't want to quarrel with, since I'm pretty sure God is on your side.

However, I must take exception to your attempt to turn the 23rd Psalm into a ode to golf.

I don't know about your translation, but mine clearly says "green pastures," not "greens." My version also says "rod" and "staff," not "pitching wedge" and "three-wood."

I can understand how you might make an overzealous effort to relate your sermons to some of the church's biggest donors. But I'm pretty sure golf wasn't invented until St. Andrew came along. I'm also pretty sure Ezekial was never a caddie.

So, Doc, if you bring this up in Sunday's sermon, would you keep my name out of it? If it turns out God really is the top "club pro" in the universe, as you suggested, I'd rather he doesn't know what I said about "spiritual duffers."

Yours truly, etc.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.