Be the helper you need to see in the world

The holiday season is identified as one of gratitude, joy and generosity. But all of that cheer can be hard to stomach when coping with compounding grief and stress, and this pandemic has left no stone unturned.

I think of the famous Fred Rogers quote. It's been made into a meme and gets shared far and wide every time something bad happens. He first said it on his children's show. "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'"

Perhaps when the world is scary and in need of comfort, instead of looking for help we consider offering help. Go all in with purpose and intent. Answer the call for help with a resounding, generous and genuine "yes!" Studies show that acts of kindness boost oxytocin, not just for the one who gives, but also for the one who receives and even for bystanders who witness the kindness. Oxytocin is our body's happiness hormone. Kindness is how we produce it and share happiness with everyone.

Writers always have their mentors. Mine is my good friend Chuck Keller who started out as my high school English teacher. He's a columnist in his retirement. Chuck is who I go to when I need a second set of eyes on my work. Chuck is also a cancer survivor. He's beat cancer five times now. Incredibly.

A couple of years ago when things were especially dire for him, I was one of the people who would drive him to the hospital for treatment. While he saw the doctor, I sat in the cafeteria and wrote.

Many times, I would ask him for input about what I was working on.

I wondered if I was being selfish to ask for help when he obviously had bigger things to worry about. At the same time, I wanted to continue our friendship and offer a small gift of normalcy that we could both hold onto in this trying time. Perhaps that, too, was selfish. However, to do anything else would have been an act of surrender to his cancer and that was certainly not something I was willing to do. I decided to thank him instead. What Chuck said in response really stuck with me.

"I am glad to be of service," he said. "I feel most alive when I am of use."

I realized that I felt the very same way when it came to helping him. After so many years of always being on the receiving end of his kindness, I was able to be his helper.

Chuck also shared a poem with me by Marge Piercy called "To Be of Use."

This is my favorite stanza: "I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart / who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience / who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward / who do what has to be done, again and again."

I encourage you to read the whole poem because this mindset is exactly what the world needs. It's the flip side of gratitude, the people working to do what needs done. Not begrudgingly as a chore but because a good world takes work, and our world is worth working on. Whether it's in friendship or community, it's hard, satisfying work for which nothing is owed and no one has to earn. It's our humanity. This season of gratitude and joy let's say "yes" to the work that needs doing and discover the helper within.