BE OUR GUEST: SENDING FIRSTBORN OFF TOUGHT, BUT A MEMORY TO CHERISH

As I awakened early this particular Saturday, my head was already clicking with all the last-minute things to do before sending our oldest child off to college.

I headed for the basement to do some last-minute laundry and thought to myself, "OK, first load in."

Armed with at least my 20th list of things to do to get Chris off to school, the morning paper, my newly acquired bifocals and a hot cup of coffee, I headed for our patio.

My list was growing smaller. I had scratched over many items and added a few last-minute ones. A lot of what-ifs strike a mom during the night: `What if the lights go out?" A flashlight is now added!

Enough of the list. Now the paper. As I read the paper, I turned to the page with the article by Jay Eastlick titled "School days and parenting," regarding his son's first day of school. I chuckled as I read his summation of Levi. A flood of memories came to me as I remembered feeling the same way.

I also thought of the way I would scoff at folks who told me, "It really goes fast, enjoy those kids." As I was knee deep in laundry, doctor bills, orthodontics, science projects, ball practices and the neatness (or lack of) of their rooms, their statements seemed rather trite. But, my oh my, it really does goes fast.

As I finished Mr. Eastlick's article and continued reading the paper, my final page was the funnies, as our kids call them. Since childbirth, I have felt Bill Keene has had a spy in our home and writes his "Family Circus" many days on us. This particular one shows the little boy sitting at the table eating his dinner. He looks at his mom and asks, "How old do you hafta be to cut your own meat?" Again, a flood of memories came scurrying back as a I remember on so many occasions the boys saying, "No, I wanna do it." And I said, "OK," realizing it was just another one of those steps in growing up. As always, the "Family Circus" leaves me with a smile.

I continued with the funnies and came to "For Better or For Worse." How poignant for my day! They are sending their oldest off to college and the whole family has gathered to say goodbye, good luck, do you have everything? But the last caption shows the son embracing his father and saying, "Thanks for teaching me how to fly." It was just more than I could handle. After months of my getting ready for this moment, realizing at times it would be a difficult adjustment, I sat the newspaper down and cried.

My head began telling me, "This is what you've worked so hard and long for. This is what you have talked to him about since his first day of school." But my heart would not stop aching. I wondered, "What is wrong with me?" After all, I had prepared for this event. I had read books on getting ready for college and letting go. Why couldn't I cope? Get it together, I kept telling myself.

I wiped my tears just before Joe was up headed to play basketball and Greg was getting ready for football practice. My load of laundry was finished -- time for another one.

I finally came to grips that Chris was indeed ready to fly, and this was another one of those parenting times I must pull back and say, "OK." As the years have proven, the "No, I wanna do it" statements have increased. Chris has strong wings to help him fly.

Of course he will be back home, but my books tell me things will not be the same, another testament in change.

As I so remember Chris' first day of school, I know I will also remember this day, and I am sure as the years will prove, I will look back and again smile. But not today.

Diane M. Clark is the mother of three sons. She recently experienced what many parents felt this month as their children left home for the first time. She is the wife of Neyland Clark, superintendent of the Cape Girardeau School District.