ALL LEGISLATIVE INTERESTS SPECIAL

Walking down a corridor in the Missouri Capitol with a friend the other day, we ran into a well-known lobbyist. After exchanging pleasantries, and a couple of political stories with the lobbyist, my friend and I proceeded to our destination, the office of a powerful legislator.

"Guys like us don't stand a chance with lobbyists like him around," my friend said in a tone this side of panic.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Guys like us? Lobbyists like him?"

"Well, you know. Special interest people pretty well run this state. That lobbyist has more clout than half the Legislature." His voice became accusatory.

"If I'm not mistaken," I replied, "you belong to a couple of rather powerful special interest groups yourself."

"Like what?" he said, the disbelief showing.

"Well, for starters, how about the Missouri Bar Association."

"Everybody belongs to the MBA," my friend replied.

"Everybody who isn't a lawyer doesn't belong," I answered. "The last time I sent in my application, they told me to go back to college for three more years and then they'd consider taking my money." My friend, who doesn't have a great sense of humor, persisted.

"Every time the lawyers of Missouri agree on a bill that will help the citizens of this state, you media types begin to shout about the `shyster lobby' and before long our bills are dead in committee."

"Maybe you need a good lobbyist," I joked.

"We've got good people," my friend said. About the time we arrived at the Capitol office we were seeking, my friend realized what he had said.

"Sure you do," I laughed. "You've got good people. So do the insurance companies, the utilities, the automobile dealers, the farmers, the highway contractors, the oil dealers, the bankers, the brewers, the doctors, the hospitals, even us media people."

"Special interests are ruining this state," my friend declared angrily.

Inside the office, we only had time for two cups of coffee before the legislator could see us. Greeting us as if we were back-home constituents, the legislator had guessed the purpose of our visit. His Mother didn't raise an idiot. After all, my friend and I have been walking Capitol corridors for years on behalf of some "clients" of ours. The legislator may not be the brightest guy in the world, but he's smart enough to have been re-elected four times.

"Well, how much money do you guys need this year," the lawmaker asked jovially in much the same way he might greet a band of Girl Scouts selling cookies at the doorstep.

"Only about $5 million more than we got this year," my friend replied, half joking.

"That shouldn't be too bad. I haven't talked to the Budget Director about this, but I think we're in pretty good shape," the legislator said.

"You mean...we don't have to bow and kiss your ring this year," my friend asked with more than a hint of sarcasm.

"Nope," the legislator replied. "You didn't have to last year either."

"What do you mean, we didn't have to last year? We've been begging you for years and mostly all you give us is a hard time." My friend could be hostile, particularly when he's wrong.

Trying to keep the mood happy, I decided to jump in. "That's not quite right," I said turning to my friend. "I would say he's been very helpful. The last couple of years have been easy for us, compared to 10 years ago," I reminded him.

"Well, of course, we don't have any high-powered lobbyists helping us," my friend answered in a voice he might use before a jury if he were the prosecuting attorney.

"You don't need a lobbyist," the legislator said in a tone I knew wasn't the end of his sentence. "You already have one of the best in the state."

"We don't have lobbyist one," my friend declared in his best courtroom manner.

"The heck you don't," the legislator answered quickly. And then he identified the man, the same one we had met earlier in the corridor. "He's been pressuring me for years on behalf of your kids. I hope you guys don't take credit for what he's done all this time -- just like you fellows, without pay."

As we left the legislator's office, my friend was jubilant. "Special interest lobbyists," he shouted. "I love 'em!"