THE FUDGE REPORT: Obama to Resign!--Signs with ESPN!

Washington D.C. remains in total shock after learning today from White House sources that our nation's leader is resigning. President Obama allegedly inked a four-year deal with ESPN Sports Center to anchor a nightly one hour show, which will premiere this fall.

As amazing as this story is--it was more amazing how the president broke the news to close aides, cabinet members and family--all gathered in the White House movie theater. The group had just finished watching a secretly-produced episode of "House of Cards", in which Obama's resignation was announced in the show's final minutes! Harry Reid was said to have fainted, while Nancy Pelosi was seen upchucking in her popcorn cup.

In a news release just moments ago, senior White House advisor, Valerie Jarrett, admitted the president had been crying himself to sleep on a regular basis. "The burdens of the presidential office, the endless series of administration scandals, and his personal inability to stop international conflicts, convinced the former community organizer he was better suited to pursue his love of sports."

It's not yet confirmed, but it's also rumored that President Obama called Russia's Vladimir Putin and called him a "commie bully" before laughing and hanging up.

Sources say President Obama will resign next week, making the announcement in a nationally televised broadcast from the Oval Office. It's rumored the historic speech will either be made during the halftime of an upcoming WNBA match featuring the Washington Mystics and the New York Liberty--or possibly from Hollywood, immediately following a Jimmy Kimmel monologue--ensuring a positive optic.

Finally, in preparation for becoming out next president, sources say Vice-President Joe Biden is frantically being tutored by White House staff and is expected to earn his GED before taking the oath of office.

If the CIA and the NSA are reading this blog, please remember, this is fictional political humor. Do not send black helicopters and swat teams to my house.