Widow's relationship upsets children

Dear Dr. Dobson: My husband died three years ago, leaving me to raise my son and daughter alone. For the past year I have been dating a wonderful man who has three children of his own. We have recently begun to talk about marriage, which really excites me. I have a major concern, however, that my children are not in favor of the relationship, even though Bill has been good to them and quick to include them in many of our activities. I know Chuck and Laura miss their father and don't want to give up his memory, but I need companionship and this is definitely a good thing. How should I handle this situation?

Dear Reader: If you love Bill and he loves you, I think you should press forward with your marriage plans -- especially if you have made it a matter of prayer. I do need to tell you unequivocally that the blending of your two families will not be easy. I have seen fewer than five "reconstituted families" in my professional career that didn't experience major adjustments and struggles. The myth of the "Brady Bunch" just doesn't happen. There are highly predictable points of conflict that must be anticipated and dealt with early in the relationship. One of them is the situation you've described, where the children of one parent refuse to accept the new stepparent. These problems can be sorted out, but you must set your mind to doing it.

Dear Dr. Dobson: My husband, Joe, tells me he feels suffocated in our marriage and wants out. What should I do? How should I change my relationship with him?

Dear Reader: Though I realize it may be the most difficult thing you've ever done, the only promising option at this point is to open the cage door and set Joe free. Gather every ounce of courage and self-respect you can muster and have a serious talk with him along the following lines:

"Joe, I've been through some tough moments since you decided to leave. My love for you is so deep that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a terrible shock to see our relationship begin to unravel.

"Nevertheless, I have been doing some intense soul-searching, and I now realize I have been attempting to hold you against your will. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I didn't blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me.

"So, if you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. This entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. You and I had some wonderful times together, Joe. You were my first real love, and I'll never forget the memories that we shared."

Slowly, unbelievably, Joe will see the cage door start to rise. He has felt bound to you hand and foot for years, and now you've set him free.

"But there must be a catch," he's likely to think. "It's too good to be true. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak, you know, and she'll crack under pressure."

It is my strongest recommendation that you prove that your husband is wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.