WHAT TO DO WITH EX-INMATES, PUN HUMOR AND SPEEDY TRAINS

Life after prison: Here's a little-noticed statistic that's worth chewing on. This year, 585,000 people will be released from prisons in the United States, according to Justice Department figures.

This is the flip side of the burgeoning prison-population coin. Locking so many criminals away is one thing. But how will society deal with the rapid rise of ex-convicts in its midst?

The problem was drawn federal attention. Attorney General Janet Reno has put forward a plan for increased supervision of former inmates. She would set up special "reentry courts" to closely monitor released prisoners, who would regularly report back to the courts. They would be given job counseling, drug rehab, and other services if they adhered to conditions set at the time of release. The administration wants $145 million to launch pilot projects around the country.

That's good, as far as it goes. Ms. Reno's idea essentially enlarges parole programs already in operation. And those programs all too often suffer from understaffing and underfunding.

But what's needed, in addition, is a broader recognition on the part of policymakers and citizens that simply freeing large numbers of convicts with minimal preparation or support is an untenable risk.

One option is to ignore the growing population of ex-cons and just accept that many -- around four out of 10 -- will return to prison. In today's booming economy and tight labor market more people coming out of prison are finding employment. Those who find decent jobs are often grateful employees -- and far less likely to commit new crimes.

But structured help -- educational and job preparation before release and support after -- would greatly increase the numbers who stay straight. It's an investment in crime prevention the country ought to make. -- Christian Science Monitor

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Richard Lederer has written three or more books filled with puns or other bits of humor that are suspiciously similar to puns. In 1988 he wrote a book titled "Get Thee to a Punnery."

A couple of puns regarding oldsters:

Old reporters never die. They just meet their deadlines.

Old game show hosts never die. They will be back after these messages.

Lederer also collects peculiar signs from friends and other sources. These are from his book, "Anguished English."

A Maine restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEK-ENDS

A convalescence home in New York:

FOR THE SICK AND TIRED OF THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH.

On a funeral parlor:

ASK ABOUT OUR LAYAWAY PLAN.

At and Army base:

RESTRICTED TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL.

In a Florida maternity ward:

NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

A loan company:

ASK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR OWNING YOUR HOME.

At a New York building:

WANTED, WOMAN TO SEW BUTTONS ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. -- Dr. A.O. Goldsmith, Daily Dunklin Democrat, Kennett

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High-speed rail is not on right track: If all goes according to plan, which it rarely does, Missouri residents will someday be able to step on a high-speed passenger train in St. Louis and zoom across to Kansas City at 100 mph. This $4 billion dream would connect nine midwestern states with high-speed rail service. Most of the funding will come from the federal government with the states chipping in about 20 percent of the cost. But taxpayers will be asked to subsidize the costly service for a decade or so before it reaches a break-even financial position.

With vehicle traffic approaching 20,000 travelers daily along Interstate 70, the high-speed rail will actually do little to relieve congestion on the state's major east-west interstate. Amtrak currently offers two daily trips between St. Louis and Kansas City but even those are less than full. And if taxpayers think the higher speeds will attract passengers, that argument too falls short. Amtrak currently can reach speeds of nearly 80, and it's doubtful the new high-speed rail would top that mark substantially.

High speed passenger service is an attractive suggestion. But supporters are dreaming if they believe it will resolve increasing traffic loads on our interstate system. For those who compare this system with a highly successful system in Europe, you're comparing apples and oranges.

We have two major concerns with the costly proposal. First, it would offer six daily trips across Missouri. But currently there is less than abundant demand for the two trips available daily. And secondly, like Amtrak, we fear this project will be yet another taxpayer-funded proposal that will always siphon funds from the state treasury.

We certainly don't object to any proposal that would improve the transportation system in this country. But we're less than convinced that high-speed rail is the solution. -- Michael Jensen, editor, Sikeston Standard Democrat

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Londoners have heard all about the success of New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Word is he has made the streets of Gotham safe again, turned the subway system back into a reliable form of transportation and generally rendered the city a splendid place for both business and pleasure.

Londoners wish a similar administration could do the same in their city. In its 2,000-year history, the capital of Britain has seldom been so discontented. Burglaries are far more common than in New York, and, except for insurance purposes, most people n longer bother to report them, so faint is their belief that the police will catch the intruder and recover the property. Many other forms of crime, especially car theft, are rife and rising. Public transport is expensive and often dreadful. Schools, hospitals, services -- all need drastic reform. So what Londoners need is a Giuliani of their own. -- Paul Johnson, The Wall Street Journal

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Stories from Sunday school: A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!" -- From an e-mail

~Gary Rust is president of Rust Communications, which owns the Southeast Missourian and other newspapers.