SOMETIMES COMPLAINING IS EXPECTED

Last week President Bush approved the sale of naval destroyers to Taiwan, which fears a belligerent China, but he deferred the decision to sell more sought after high-tech combat radar until the United States has had the opportunity to monitor China's military posturing after the spy-plane controversy.

Because the radar could not be installed until 2010 and a go, no-go decision for earliest possible installation isn't necessary for a couple of years, Bush's decision was a savvy one. It affords him a credible bargaining chip while not diminishing the ability to assist Taiwan with the combat radar if China doesn't curtail its increasingly aggressive military presence in the area.

Not all are happy with Bush's decision, however. China prefers that no U.S. military equipment be sold to Taiwan. Along with the Kidd-class destroyers, Bush has approved the sale of eight diesel submarines, 12 anti-submarine aircraft and a variety of ground and air weapons. Other critics of Bush's decision include some conservatives at home who believe Bush should have retaliated against the Chinese for the spy plane controversy -- and other recent acts -- by taking the most hard-line response possible. By not selling Taiwan the combat radar, they warn that Bush sends China the signal that he is weak.

I believe these conservative critics are well-intentioned but wrong. In fact, Bush's decision positions him to achieve several critical goals. First, the sale of military equipment gives important support to the democratic government in Taiwan. Second, the sale and deferral offer both carrot and stick for China to dial down its aggressive military maneuvers in the region.

The decision by Bush hasn't received much attention in the mainstream American press, in large part because the American populace tends not to follow international events unless they are at a high-drama crisis. Thanks to this decision, however, future crises may be avoided. One early fruition of the action is that China is likely to return the downed U.S. spy plane in the near future.

International diplomacy is always a ticklish endeavor. Different cultures can respond to the same entreaties in different ways. And when the conflicting governments are closed to public scrutiny, like China's is, it makes the process murkier and riskier.

Demanding respect

When I was in college studying in Russia, I served as host for a weekend to the new international department head of a major co-op bank from the United States. I had met the bank officer at an intensive Russian-language program the summer before, and we had kept in touch.

This was the woman's first trip to Moscow, and I ambitiously scheduled a day of touring some of the city's most impressive sites. Toward evening we made our way to a popular restaurant on the Arbat where I knew that our American status -- and a pack of cigarettes I carried with me for just such purposes -- would get us in without too much trouble.

My friend was exhausted from all the walking and jet-lagged from the flight from Colorado to Moscow via Helsinki. And we made a simple request for water along with the many Russian delicacies we ordered. Few of the things we ordered came out without trouble. And water never appeared. The dinner stretched into its second hour without the simplest of requests -- offered in polite tone -- being honored.

Now, I am not one who likes to get upset when talking to others, and I had already learned that treating others with respect almost always leads to the best conclusion of a disagreement. No one, I tend to believe, likes to knowingly make a mistake. And by calmly and respectfully explaining where mistakes have been made, most people are quick to correct them.

At this Moscow restaurant, however, respectful discussion had achieved nothing.

Concerned about my weary friend, who needed water, I stepped away from the table and found our waiter near the kitchen. Then, in my limited Russian I berated him for being a "country bumpkin" and other such terms (these I learned from reading 19th century Russian short stories, which provided me my limited knowledge of cusswords) and excoriated his general practice of "service."

The waiter burst into a huge grin and bowed. And without apology, he stepped away and then returned with water and several of the dishes we had ordered, which earlier had been "out."

After dinner -- and after correcting the bill, where there were several double charges -- the waiter, without apology, pulled me aside and said, "You know that I had no respect for you until you showed anger. This is the Russian way to get service."

Curiously, I returned to the same restaurant several times while studying and working in Moscow. On more than one occasion the same waiter served me. I never again had the same problems with my orders, although each time I had to correct the bill. It seems that was the Russian way too. It was a game to be played between customer and waiter.

I do not seek to create a direct parallel between restaurant service and international arms sales. But the sale of military equipment to Taiwan denotes clear resolve -- and directed anger -- by the United States towards China. Yet the message of the sale is both calm and measured. Now we wait to see if the relationship improves.

Jon K. Rust is co-president of Rust Communications.