Sinkholes lure visitors from far, far away

Those sinkholes in south Cape Girardeau have a lot of folks scratching their heads, and a bunch of them are so-called experts.

Sinkholes come in all shapes and sizes. Some are just big enough to swallow a good-sized teenager. Others would accommodate a good-sized house.

Sinkholes occur without warning. As I see it, you could be just standing there with your bow and arrow waiting for a deer to come close, and WHOOSH! Down you go.

There are all kinds of theories about sinkholes. Since I have absolutely no scientific background in this field, I feel eminently qualified to throw out a few ideas of my own.

Let's start with the stories you've been reading in the Southeast Missourian about the sinkholes.

"More sinkholes appear."

That was one of the latest headlines.

I'll be real honest with you. That headline doesn't make me afraid to drive in south Cape Girardeau.

How about something like this:

"Aliens swipe Cape's dirt."

There's a precedent of sorts for blaming the sinkholes on visitors from unknown planetary sources. Some of you will remember as far back as the 1970s when Piedmont, Mo., had a rash of UFOs. I know some of the witnesses, and they swear without benefit of any distilled liquids, they saw the mysterious objects with their own eyes.

The best viewing area, if you remember, was the town dump, which was on top of an Ozark hill. I'm not saying garbage is an E.T. magnet, but dumps certainly seem to show up a lot in stories about UFOs.

And what does south Cape Girardeau have? Well, it's not a dump, but it's the 21st-century equivalent. It's where your garbage goes so it can be loaded on big trucks and hauled away to a real dump, which these days is called a landfill.

Transfer station. Hilltop dump. You connect the dots.

One of these days, I'd like to see an aerial photos of Cape Girardeau's sinkholes. I'm guessing here, but I'll bet the sinkholes are arranged in a distinct pattern, maybe something like the arrangement of stars billions of light-years away. This would prove that the sinkholes aren't random ruptures in our planet's crust. They are a map that can be seen from thousands of miles away by aliens with unbelievably good eyesight.

I'm also guessing that the whole landscape in and around south Cape Girardeau has been smeared with graffiti. If we knew how to read UFO handwriting, we would recognize it for what it is, and we could figure out what the writing says: "Earth. Free. You haul."

The good news in all of this, of course, is that the aliens are only interested in our dirt. Or golf. Which is another possible explanation for those holes. How many sinkholes are there so far? Fourteen? Four to go, plus a practice green.

OK. Let's say I'm dead wrong about the aliens and the sinkholes, which is entirely possible. That means more sinkholes are likely to show up until Cape Girardeau looks like a big chunk of Swiss cheese.

Think of the possible headlines:

New federal building

devoured by giant sinkhole;

earthquake-proof doors remain locked

Or this:

Sinkhole swallows

Mississippi River;

floodwall can be

safely removed

Or this:

Airport goes into

sinkhole; FAA

authorizes extra

daily flights

Or, finally, this:

New roads to be paved around

sinkholes; county put in charge

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.