NEWTON'S LAW: UNCOMFORTABLE CHECKLIST HAS AGING FATHER THINKING YOUNG

I've finally stumbled across a reason to dislike the Cape Girardeau recycling program, which cuts in half the number of times residents set out refuse for general collection.

The program offers:

One less feast per week for neighborhood dogs;

One less occasion per week to wander along the curb in coat and tie to pick up used tissues;

One less opportunity per week to get to know your garbage;

And one less chance per week for your street to acquire the fanciful accent that only broken egg shells can provide.

Why can't the city relent and give us one more day of this?

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I went to kindergarten the other day to learn about my daughter's educational progress. I came away enlightened.

The conference room used for such meetings was occupied so my wife and I and my daughter's teacher hunkered down at one of the classroom's wee tables. With knees uncomfortably close to my chest, I realized how Lemuel ~Gulliver must have felt in the land of Lilliput.

To be sure, I was not ill at ease. I enjoy these conferences. My children have done well in school and these sessions are always a good opportunity to accommodate some paternal vanity.

Beyond that, in self-centered style, I can use my attendance at these sessions as evidence I am a concerned and attentive parent. Such a boast, in itself, is without substance, since being a good parent means more than showing up once in a while.

(I was particularly in need of even phony reassurance this time around. My wife was curious on this point recently: if I spend so much time at home thinking about work, do I spend an equal amount of time at work thinking about my family? Ouch! Naturally, I protested the question, but her point was just sound enough to sting a bit.)

My daughter's progress in kindergarten was computed in part by a checklist of skill measurements. My pride swelled as I saw each of the items under "Personal and Social Development" had check marks beside them.

My enthusiasm was diminished when I more closely considered the items my five-year-old had fulfill. They were modest expectations for someone her age, giving a viable picture of her growth.

When measuring myself against these standards, I was deflated.

The items:

Cares for personal needs. My wife's cutting question speaks to that.

Completes assigned work. It depends who assigns it. Half of life is knowing which side your bread is buttered on.

Obeys rules. I prefer to regard myself as a lovable rogue.

Tolerates a reasonable amount of frustration without anger or tears. I could muse on this in some depth. The tricky word is "reasonable." Suffice it to say that I and the people who know me would differ on my score here.

Tries new activities. With few exceptions, not since college.

Plays competitively or cooperatively as appropriate. The reciprocity required for true cooperation or at least my view of this makes almost everything competitive for me.

Follows adult direction without complaint. What, me complain?

Seeks help when needed. I could drive in the desert for days, without a map and within minutes from an important appointment, and still not pull into a gas station to ask directions.

The last item on the checklist summed up all that came before.

Shows readiness for first grade work.

My daughter got a positive mark on this. On her old man, the jury is still out.