NEWTON'S LAW: MODERN TECHNOLOGY PRODUCES OUR TOPIC FOR TODAY: POPCORN

A friend told me recently he had relatives visit from a town so backward that they were enthralled by the process of making microwave popcorn. They stood at the lighted window and watched as the flaccid bag grew and spouted steam.

A night of modern technology in the big city.

Here's the deal on popcorn:

1. Despite what the commercials say, popcorn never tastes as good at home as it does in a movie theater, especially a cold theater on a summer day or a holiday season matinee.

2. People who dump all sorts of flavoring powders on popcorn should probably just stop eating it. True popcorn fans grimace at the thought of Cracker Jacks. I'm dying to see them come up with some cayenne pepper flavoring, the kind that will make your lips turn numb after only a few bites.

3. Contrary to what I thought as a child, popcorn can be oversalted.

4. Few other snacks foods can be strung around a Christmas tree. You seldom see strands of Snickers bars used as yule ornaments.

5. Just off the train from Hicksville, I have this dreadful admission: microwave popcorn is a nifty invention. A vending machine at our office now distributes these packets and it does a brisk business. Three minutes in the oven and you're rewarded with a hot, low-calorie snack.

Occasionally, someone will set the oven for four minutes and the entire office takes on the aroma of a rather unpleasant factory.

6. Orville Redenbacher is probably a real nice man and his name is given to a fine product. Still, I'm not sure it would be much fun to spend a lot of time with him. Those girls in the commercials, the ones Orville is keeping at arms-length from his grandson, I believe were well-paid. (Wouldn't you love life more if you learned that old dull Orville, once the camera is turned off, is something of a skirt chaser and curses like a sailor.)

7. Anyone shaking your hand after they've eaten buttered popcorn should be immediately patted on the back.

8. By its size and unpredictable shape, popcorn is sometimes hard to handle in a mannerly way. If you grab a handful, you risk a piece or two squirting from your grasp and landing in your lap. Try to put too much in your mouth and you might leave a piece hanging on your lower lip. Even in snack foods, etiquette is important.

9. History may have recorded it, but I can't state for you which presidents were fans of popcorn. Ronald Reagan had his jelly beans. George Bush likes pork rinds doused in Tabasco sauce, which is such a chronic affront to cuisine that restaurant owners should campaign against his re-election. I would feel comfortable with any president who likes popcorn. It would give them a common touch ... just watch when they shake your hand. (See Item 7.)

10. Few things look as odd as a piece of popped corn that has been squished by a shoe. Psychologists could use these as Rorschach tests for the deeply disturbed.

These are my thoughts on popcorn. I thought you had a right to know.