NEW ANTI-PERFUME MOVEMENT JUST DOESN'T MAKE GOOD SCENTS

They're out there ... sniffing. They don't like what's in the air.

What can we call them? Perfume police? Cologne cops? Fragrance fascists?

They are armed for Armani, obsessed with Obsession, scandalized by Scandal. They are itching to do away with scratch 'n' sniffs. Calvin Klein graces their wanted posters.

Ever vigilant of the rights of all humans, these good souls, bound to their mission like odor to a skunk, see a problem out there.

Needless to say, their cause began in California.

It has yet to hit the Midwest in a big way, but there is an anti-perfume movement looming beyond the horizon.

It makes no scents.

Some people are urging that public buildings set aside scent-free zones. Those are the moderates of this movement. The militants want fragrances banned from use outside the privacy of homes. Perfumes, they claim, can cause headaches, asthma attacks and listlessness, not to mention countless varieties of rashes, hideous blotches and grotesque inflammations.

Given time, bottled aromas might well be blamed for global warming, the recession, Iben Browning's erroneous prediction, Madonna's erratic behavior and Saddam Hussein's lingering smirk.

Taking this matter very seriously is an Atlanta-based group called the Human Ecology Action League. Members of that group say artificial fragrances are intrusive, even physically harmful, to some people.

The group even portrays scents as instruments of mind control. In Japan, Human Ecology maintains, companies recorded increased worker output after pumping lemon and lavender fragrances into the production areas. In London, a sweet aroma was sent into the subway system in a promising experiment to reduce stress.

The horror, the horror.

"There's some evidence," says Human Ecology's Louise Kosta, "(that) fragrances can alter brain waves."

They darn well better. If a strategically placed spot of women's cologne doesn't touch off lust in a man, the fragrance industry is in a world of trouble.

To hell with romance. There are larger issues at hand. A whiff of second-hand perfume might be infringing on someone's civil rights. Life, liberty and the pursuit of fresh air are at stake. After shave may one day earn you a misdemeanor charge.

If the movement spreads, you may one day have scent-free areas in public places, just like there are no-smoking areas. But what if smokers abstain from cologne? Will they be allowed in the scent-free area, or will there have to be a scent-free, smoke-free area established?

And what if those people don't like lefthanders? Will there be a scent-free, smoke-free, southpaw-free area designated?

Public buildings, given the rising influence of special interest groups, might soon be carved like a cake, with each piece having boundaries that define personal preferences and quirks. Cross a line and get a fine.

In California, in the room where the Marin County Parks, Open Space and Cultural Services Commission meets, a section has been designated as a scent-free zone. This is the nucleus of the movement. Government, fully prepared to strive for regulatory perfection, has been made open and accessible to all.

Through the end of November, no commissioner has seen anyone sit in that section.

Maybe it stinks. Maybe it all stinks.