MISSOURIANA

Bill Clinton's principal problem appears to be that he's forgotten what he said he'd do as president before he was elected.

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You can generally tell when you're eating at a Denny's restaurant. Your waitress bears a striking resemblance to Marge Schott.

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The Japanese are calling Americans lawless after one of their exchange students was shot in Louisiana. Oh, yeah, what about those four murders in Tokyo last year?

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The reason it's taking Hillary Rodham so long to come up with a health care plan is because she's trying to figure out how to correct those see-from-behind hospital gowns.

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The reason it took so long for President Clinton to name someone to the Supreme Court is because Price-Waterhouse forgot to count the ballots from Beverly Hills.

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Bill and Hillary are thinking about staying home over the Fourth of July weekend. They've seen enough fireworks since January to get them over the holiday.

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A new state organization, called Missourians for Fair Elections, wants to limit campaign contributions. A better name would be Missourians for Cheap Elections.