MISSOURI WATCH: EXPLORING TRIBAL CULTURES

A charming young Californian, who is soon to become my daughter-in-law and who has spent virtually all of her life in the Golden State, recently inquired what a typical Missourian is like. Flattered by her interest in my native land, I was nonetheless taken aback when she posed the question, simply because I had always believed the only American state that was truly different was her own.

The young California visitor assured me, however, that she had noted numerous characteristics of her husband-to-be that were different from her own and had recognized them not as quirks of a particular family but those indigenous to a Show-Me emigrant. Among the features she listed were those of friendliness, courtesy and slowness of speech, marks which she confirmed were lacking among inhabitants of her state.

Adopting an historical mode, I noted that Missouri, like California, is divided into various geographical regions that sometimes are greater than the whole. The difference between Los Angelenos and San Franciscans is less than the divide that separates an urban St. Louis Countian from natives who inhabit Lafayette or Pike or New Madrid County.

There is even a difference, I noted between cliff dwellers on the Mississippi and Missouri rivers, and the disparity is even more pronounced when one examines the remote civilizations that can be found on the Osage and Grand rivers. Not only is there is a divergence in the day-to-day habits of these various tribes, but there are even differing ways of speaking the native tongue, and if one observes the tribes closely enough, it is possible to detect separate modes of dress, traditions, folklore, even recreational preferences.

To the Metropolitanus Missouraenus, the distant tribesmen live in uncharted lands that have few conveniences, and are subjected to the cruelties of cultural and educational deprivations that border on the primitive. It has only been in recent years that this vast unknown wasteland has been privileged to partake of the luxuries of nuclear-roasted meat, frozen crusts of milkless cheese and precooked poultry pieces that have increasingly become the marks of civilized life in America today.

Members of the Metropolitanus tribe consider their fellow citizens as inferior in virtually every aspect of living, and freely use the term "Rubus" as a generic term for outsiders who fail to pass the rigid requirements for migration to the state's more cultural, civilized regions. This superiority is often manifested when the two cultures are gathered together, and extends even to the claimed advantage of heightened vulnerability to nomadic bushmen who prey on the purses, domiciles and even the lives of the residents of Urbanus.

Only among the most populated tribes, I explained, is the proliferation of primitive scavengers viewed as a cultural advantage that is denied those who are known as Rubus by those claiming social, cultural and intellectual superiority.

As for the views of those indigenous to the state's outcountry, I mentioned the great disdain held by these natives for the aborigines in larger enclaves. These residents take great delight in ridiculing their cousins' lack of knowledge about tribal affairs and who represents them in the various councils by which all natives are governed. The Metropolitanus Missouraenus who is unable to identify his own neighbor, as well as his elected representative to the tribal council, are often derided by those living in remote habitats.

The absence of the favorite Rubus mode of transportation, the Rustum Pickup Vehicularium, is also viewed as a disadvantage that must be endured by natives in the heavily populated villages.

Just as the diets of northern and southern Californians vary between Rice-A-Roni and raw, uncooked fish, so too are foods preferred by Missouraenus natives different. Rubus dishes that include a watery substance known locally as Redeye and extremely salty and dry pork (country ham) are virtually unknown in the larger populated areas, while dishes imported from Italy, China and Mexico add to the familiar Urbanus complaint of inflamed digestive systems that require the constant surveillance of medicine men and witch doctors.

Although Californians may boast of such great leaders as Richard Nixon and Sonny Bono, residents of Missouraenus are quick to counter with such heroes as Daniel Boone and Jesse James. After noting the similarities between life among both tribes, my future daughter-in-law smiled and said, "Maybe it's a good thing we'll be living in Virginia." I offered to tell her about life there, but she declined. Almost graciously.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.