MISSOURI WATCH: AND IF ELECTED, I WILL...

My fellow Missourians: Today, here, on the steps of this historic building, which once was pillaged by Jesse James and where countless public officials have pillaged the public treasury, I am announcing my candidacy for state representative from Peculiar County.

Although some of you good folks may wonder why I am throwing my hat into the ring at this early moment, consider these facts: In just six months, eight days and 12 hours, I will be able to stand in line to file for the coveted office I seek. There, I will stand, proudly I might add, for days and days and days, doing my bit for the democratic process under our glorious State Constitution, which prohibits sanity tests for officials empowered to spend billions of dollars but requires an extremely difficult and mind-boggling test to drive an automobile worth no more than a few hundred dollars. Go figure.

Some of you are no doubt asking what I hope to accomplish if voters are foolish enough to buy a pig in a poke, whatever that means. Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear, I do have a platform. As a matter of fact, I'm standing on it right now. And it says, and with your permission I will read it to those not watching the Simpson trial: "My platform will be to enact some of the best ideas introduced as legislation but discarded in past sessions of the General Assembly."

I have adopted such a platform because I believe past sessions of our General Assembly have considered and then rejected some highly important matters. I intend to roll back the clock as I roll up my sleeves and as they say in Jefferson City when the legislature adjourns, let's roll out the beer barrels.

One of the first measures I intend to introduce when I am elected to the Statehouse is one that will further refine Missouri's term limits law. Not only will lawmakers be limited to shorter terms, they will be limited to shorter sessions. While the Constitution now limits our elected lawmakers to 4 month sessions, I say we must limit the time these newcomers spend in Jefferson City, because if they can become indifferent to their constituents beyond two terms, then they can grow indifferent during a 4-month session. I will introduce a bill in the spirit of term limits to restrict the annual sessions of the General Assembly to one month. That's time enough to consider proposed legislation but not sufficient time for members to become the victims of special interests.

My second bill will have to do with gifts that can be accepted from lobbyists by members of the Legislature. It has been proven time after time that when a lobbyist buys a cheap meal in Jefferson City, as if there were any other kind, the lobbyist immediately takes possession of the member's soul. Some would outlaw such meals, along with cocktails prepared from cheap whiskey, and my bill will accomplish this as well, for it will require lobbyists to spend no less than $250 per dinner per legislator, an amount not including a ridiculous number of bottles of imported French champagne. This will not only reduce the number of lobbyists in Jefferson City but will greatly improve the quality of life for aIl elected officials while safeguarding against constant heartburn from cheap meals foisted on the people's representatives. A final section of my bill will also prohibit lawmakers from giving the time of day to any legislator who requests it. In the past, lobbyists have supplied such information in an attempt to win the good graces of legislators. It's time to restore decency to politics.

A third bill I intend to introduce, after it was defeated in the 1995 session, has to do with bringing government to the people, instead of making the public drive all the way to Jefferson City. I propose that we not only relocate all 16 Missouri departments but move them every 30 days. Just moving the Department of Social Services to St. Louis won't solve the problem for those living in Kansas City, so under my bill, we will rotate each state agency every 30 days.

My next bill will permit unlimited casinos throughout every county of the state. Why should we be limited to a few leaky boats on only two rivers when the state has 36 rivers and 87 streams, enough waterways for a casino in each county?

My last bill will designate Missouri's Official Disease, which will, of course, be our historic and traditional Sinus Infection. This disease has been sneezed at far too long. Thanks for your vote. My campaign phone is 1-800-BRIBES-R-US.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.