Got hiccups? Here's a cure

A quick cure for the hiccups is a good scare. This ought to do it:In psychological warfare, terrorists enjoy minor victories not by committing deadly acts, but by threatening to do them.

Since 9/11, terrorists have changed our lives in so many ways, not the least of which is air travel. Blame the travails of the airline industry on anything you want, but the biggest bogeyman is the possibility that someone on your flight wants to blow himself up.

Cape Girardeau and its environs are not immune from this pall of terrorism. Our tiny airport terminal requires how many Transportation Security Administration agents and how many Cape Girardeau police officers to ensure the safety of its commercial air passengers?

How many of you have put off traveling outside the country because you either fear a random act of terrorism at your destination or no longer want to endure the hassle of shoeless, beltless security checks?

Score another one for the terrorists.

If we're going to suffer at the hands of American-hating cutthroats who have never met me and have no idea what a nice fellow I am -- unless, of course, you're harboring squirrels in your backyard, why can't we also find a silver lining?

Take the Obama administration's plan to move all the terrorists we've captured out of Cuba. A tiny town in northern Illinois has an empty prison and would welcome those sunburned thugs. It would mean hundreds of decent jobs for the Illinoisans. But the Illinois congressional delegation is doing everything it can to scrub the plan. Perhaps it's because some of these elected folks think Illinois has enough thugs right now.

So step up, Cape Girardeau. This is our opportunity.

We also have an empty facility that would make a good place to house terrorists. If it's good enough for the homeless, I say, it's good enough for terrorists. We've always got room for a few more thugs.

I'm talking, of course, about the surplus federal building on Broadway. Look what else we've got. We have a new federal courthouse a couple of blocks away to dispense justice to every single suicide bomber and IED maker -- all considered guilty from the get-go.

We have plenty of orange traffic cones to keep car bombers from parking on Broadway, so there would be no extra outlay on that account. (It's good to know that the handicapped -- terrorists or law-abiding citizens -- have a designated parking space around the corner on Fountain Street. America, after all, bends over backward to be fully accessible.)

Speaking of the new federal courthouse: Wouldn't that be a swell place to hold the trials for the terrorists, who now have been on American soil (in Cuba) long enough to qualify for citizenship and all its rights and privileges?

It appears the federal government is getting ready to spend as much as half a billion dollars for a mainland prison facility and courtroom security. One reason the cost is so high is that our federal brain trust is looking at a prison in the Midwest and holding trials in New York. Does that make sense? You could have everything right here in Cape Girardeau -- both convenient and affordable.

Let's make a bid for terrorists. If our nation is ready to fritter away half a billion dollars, wouldn't our $100 million sweetheart deal be appealing to a majority of federal legislators who swear they're looking for ways to cut costs?

We would finally give those TSA folks at the airport something to do besides searching luggage full of underwear and full-size bottles of cosmetics.

Works for me.

How are those hiccups coming?

jsullivan@semissourian.com<I>