Focus on the Family: Woman struggling to accept husband's reserved behavior

Dear Dr. Dobson: What advice would you give to a woman whose husband just won't respond to her emotionally? That's my situation. Darrell is a good man, but he's not romantic and he'd rather keep his thoughts to himself. How can I deal with the longing inside me?

Dear Reader: Some men will never be able to meet the needs of their wives. They don't understand how women think and have never been required to "give" to anyone. Those who are married to these unromantic and uncommunicative men must decide what is reasonable to expect and how they can forge a meaningful life together. Or they can seek an early divorce. I think the former is better!

If Darrell is such a man, my advice is that you attempt to show him, without nagging or becoming angry, how you are different from him and what your needs are. Work to change what can be improved in your relationship, explain what can be understood, resolve what can be settled and negotiate what is open to compromise.

For all the rough edges that can never be smoothed and the faults that can never be eradicated, try to develop the best possible outlook and determine to accept reality exactly as it is.

The first principle of mental health is to accept that which cannot be changed. You could easily descend into depression over the circumstances in your life. But you can also choose to hang tough and be contented in spite of them. The operative word is "choose."

Can you accept your husband just as he is? Seldom does one human being satisfy every longing and hope in the breast of another. Obviously, this coin has two sides: You can't be his perfect woman, either. He is no more equipped to resolve your entire package of emotional needs than you are to become his sexual dream machine every 24 hours. Both partners have to settle for human foibles and faults and irritability and fatigue and occasional nighttime "headaches." A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns: It is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of "unresolvables."

I don't mean to imply that the advice I've given is easy to implement or that it will take away the longing you described, but every human being eventually encounters difficult situations that are beyond his or her control. At that point, a person is either going to collapse, run, become angry or do all three. I submit that acceptance is a better alternative.

Dear Dr. Dobson: How do you feel about children wearing uniforms to school? How about schools having other dress codes and clothing requirements?

Dear Reader: I rather like the idea of school uniforms because it solves the problem of competition between the haves and have-nots. It also eliminates the provocative clothing that some children like to wear. But there is a larger issue here. I think it is extremely important for children to be taught adherence to standards that relate to discipline and self-control.

It is a mistake to shield children from reasonable rules -- to place no demands on their behavior. Reasonable standards of conduct are an important part of an educational system, in my view. School uniforms might be a part of such standards.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.