The Three Stooges (no, not the ones from TV)

By Sarah Schultz

As I walked across the street to get lunch on Friday curiosity drove me to stop and talk to a man who I refer to as black hat. Usually black hat is sitting in the grass talking and laughing with two other guys, and for the past week they haven't been here.

I casually said, "Excuse me, I hate to be rude, but I have noticed that your friends haven't been here in a while, can I ask why you're sitting here alone?" Sure, it sounded cheesy, but I don't usually talk to homeless people and I wasn't really sure how I should go about asking him this.

"I guess they're dead," he said with a straight face.

"Oh, I'm sure that is not the case," I said. "Maybe you'll see them again next week." At this point, I felt totally awkward and really didn't know what to say or do.

"No, they're dead," he said. "We all decided that we'd come here, to this very spot until we die. And if we're not dead, we'll be here. Since they're not here they must be dead. People die all the time, you know. I guess I'll be the only one here and I plan to keep coming until I die too."

"I see," I said, in shock from him telling me this. "Well, I'm sorry to bother you," I said politely and continued my walk across the street.

See, I've seen this group out there everyday for the last two years, rain or shine, hot or cold, just sitting and talking and laughing. For two years, I have sat in my office and wondered what brings them out to this same grassy area near the fountain in the middle of downtown Chicago everyday. There's been many days when I just wanted to go out there and find out why they come here, who they really are, and what exactly they are always talking about, but ignorant as most of us are, I never have. There are three of them, all guys; I don't know what their names are for sure, so I call them black hat, fuzzball, and gray.

When I noticed them for the first time, it was right after I started my job. I was sitting and eating lunch by myself on a bench near where they gather each day. I thought that black hat was a businessman of some sort, who just happens to dress in out of date suits and I assumed that gray and fuzzball were construction workers. I quickly realized that they sat near that bench almost every day for a week, and I became very interested in finding out the story behind the group. I have always been fascinated by how many different types of people make up the world, and I always wonder why people do some of the things that they do.

When I first started college I wanted to major in psychology so I could get paid to observe and study people, but my dad didn't agree with me. He told me that I wouldn't get very far unless I became a psychiatrist and that I'd be better off majoring in business. We argued about it for almost a year. Then, after so many threats that I would have to pay for my own college, I gave in and majored in business. Now, I wish I would've just paid for my own school and did what I liked, instead of being stuck with this job that leaves me sitting in my office adding up numbers all day.

Anyway, I went out to lunch and sat on the bench every day, that it was sunny, for about a month, so I could hear what they were talking about. I hoped that I could figure out more about them and learn what brought them together each day, but I never really did. Not during that month at least. Their conversations seemed to be about everything and anything, and they spent most of the time just laughing and joking around.

Finally, after I noticed they were still there about six months later, I asked a colleague who was eating with me if he had noticed the group before.

He looked across the street and said, "Oh, yeah they're there all the time."

"I wonder what the deal is with them," I said, trying to pretend that I didn't spend a whole month eavesdropping on them to try to figure it out.

"Oh, they're homeless," he said. "I guess they don't have anything better to do, so they figure they'll sit there and chat all day."

"Oh," I say. "I just assumed that they were all workers and took their lunch break there. How do you know they are homeless."

He kind of smirked at me, "Well, you're obviously not from around here. Those three are pretty much common knowledge. Everybody has heard something about them. Except for the one in the purple shirt, maybe, he has the least comments made about him. I really only know his story, because my father used to work with him when I was a kid."

"Fine, I grew up in Minnesota and moved here when I got this job. But still, in a city as big as Chicago these three homeless guys are common knowledge."

"Fraid so," he says, as he notices the time on his watch. "They all have weird stories behind them, and that kind of word gets around. However, I can't talk about them anymore today. My lunch is over so I better get back to my desk before they come looking for me. You coming?"

"I have a few minutes left, so I think I'll stay here and enjoy my last few minutes of fresh air. See you in a bit."

I sit and look at them for a minute wondering what exactly there is about them that a lot of people know their story.

I asked around for about a month, until I finally started to understand why people know them. They all do have a fairly crazy history behind them.

Now that I've probably got you wondering about these guys, I'll tell you about them and what I found out about each of them individually.

Black hat

I gave black hat his name because he always has on a suit and a black hat, kind of similar to the top hat worn by Abe Lincoln, but much shorter. Do you know the kind? Black hat is a 50-year-old African-American gentleman, he's about 5-foot-6 and his skin is somewhat wrinkled. He lives, or I should say sleeps in a homeless shelter downtown, and many say that he is very sociable.

Black hat grew up in the Chicago area and became a very respected and well-known banker. I'm sure you're wondering why this banker is homeless, but actually it's quite simple. See, he managed a small local bank here, and was quite good at it, until one day the bank was burned down by vandals. Well, the bank was insured by the FDIC, so the patrons weren't out any money, and the city to helped to rebuild the bank, but black hat couldn't go back. He was sure that the vandals did this because they didn't like him.

He had no family and the bank was about all that he really had in life. It took the city about a year to rebuild, and in that time period black hat kind of lost his mind and became very depressed. With this said, since he couldn't think straight he couldn't get a job, couldn't pay his bills and lost his house. Many people tried to help him, but he refused. He didn't think that he needed help, and he didn't want it. All he knew was the way things were before and that obviously was gone.

So, for the past 20 years since his beloved bank was set on fire, black hat has been homeless and wearing the two of the same suits, and the black hat, that he wore to work everyday at the bank. I'm not quite sure why he only held on to those two suits and only the one black hat, or how he can stand to wear them everyday, especially in the heat of July, but it does give him character.

Fuzzball

Fuzzball is about 40 years old, white, with curly grayish brown hair and a curly grayish brown beard, which reminds me of a grayish brown fuzzball, hence his name. If he was a little fatter and his beard was a little bit longer and white, he would probably make a good Santa Claus, which would give him a job at least throughout the winter holidays.

Fuzzball grew up in a large family from St. Louis. His father was a real estate broker and his mother a schoolteacher. He was the middle out of four children, two girls and two boys. When he was about 19 his family was killed in a car accident right outside of Chicago where they were headed for a week long trip so that his father could look at some real estate property.

Miraculously Fuzzball was the only survivor of this accident. His father was in critical condition for about a week or two and his sister fought for two whole days until her heart somehow gave out and there was nothing they could do to save her. Fuzzball, though depressed and trying to cope with his loss, went out and found a job at a local grocery store. Since he was over the age of 18 he couldn't be adopted and he knew that he had to support himself.

He rented a rundown little apartment in the city and walked to work everyday hoping not to get hit by a car. After two years at his job, he finally saved up enough money to get a nicer apartment right next to the grocery store. He continued working long hours, bought a car that wasn't nice, but it ran most of the time, and it was all that he could afford.

He got a promotion to assistant produce manager at the grocery store and decided that with the extra money he would enroll in a class at the local community college and maybe finish the degree that he started right before his parents died. Through this class, he met the girl of his dreams. After about two years they were married and lived happily for about eight years, when another tragic accident occurred. She was pregnant and some type of complications came up causing her to lose the baby, and she became very ill herself.

After being in the hospital for two weeks she suddenly stopped breathing and before anyone could figure out what was wrong, she was dead. Fuzzball couldn't handle the loss of his 32-year-old wife and their baby alone, so he found a friend named Jack Daniels. He did try to go to work for a while until he came in drunk one day and they fired him. So, he lived his last few months in their home, and when he could no longer pay the bills, he was forced out onto the street where he is now. At least he did find some new friends, especially since the other caused him to go broke, but he still isn't in very good shape, obviously.

Gray

Gray is a different character and kind of hard to describe. He appears to be about 70, but this may be due to his stringy gray hair, his stringy beard, and the many wrinkles that cover his face. He is one of those old men that have kind of a pointy face and chin. He kind of reminds me of one of those gnomes that people buy for their gardens, especially when he laughs.

If he were a woman, he'd probably make a good witch for Halloween. All he would need is a black dress, a pointy witch's hat, and a broom and he'd be perfect. No one knows exactly where gray came from, but he worked at the pier for about 40 years as a deckhand until one day, he just got tired of doing hard work and getting sunburned.

He didn't have much family, he wasn't married, and didn't have any kids that he knew of at least, and his parents had both passed away. He did have an older sister, but he didn't talk to her much and he definitely didn't support her. So, one day he decided that he didn't care anymore, he was sick of his job and quit. Ever since then he's had no motivation and became a bum.

Sometimes I wonder if he would go back to work if they asked him to captain a fishing boat or something. I can just picture him in one of those yellow raincoats and rainhats like the captain on the Gordon's fishstick ads. Do you know what I'm talking about? Anyway, he'd be on the boat dressed from head to toe in yellow rainwear, ordering his sailors around, and looking through a little gold telescope, like he's looking for something important. Hmm ... maybe I should change his name to yellow, or Gordon, or fishboy ... or maybe I'll just leave it at gray, which is how I describe his stringy hair, because its not brownish, or silver, or white or anything, it's just gray.

Anyway, it might be interesting to see the character in something besides his baseball cap, ratty jeans and T-shirts. He usually wears one of three T-shirts: a purple one with some type of gold writing on the back, a green one, or another that is dingy white with some sort of black design on the front pocket area.

Gray appears to do the most laughing out of the group, or so it seems. You can always tell when he is laughing because his head moves back and you can see his pointy chin and stiff bottom lip go down. At least he is having a good time, I guess.

Now that you know the story behind these three as individuals, I'll continue telling you about the three of them as a group.

So, as I said before, for the last two years I've seen these three fellas. They always arrive around lunchtime and sit in the little grassy spot as if they're just there on lunch break, which is what I thought for a long time. As I said before, I always figured that black hat worked in an office, while gray and fuzzball were just construction workers who happened to sit there and join him. I will admit that I did wonder why this out of date businessman would want to join these two dirty construction workers, but then I just rationalized the idea that maybe he didn't have any friends at the office and wanted someone to talk to while he ate.

It could always be possible that they just came to the same spot to eat and started talking, maybe comparing the differences between their jobs. Anyway, Gray usually arrives first, he sits on the grass until he sees the other two and he makes sure to wave them over everyday as if they don't know where they are going. Maybe he thinks he is the only sane one of the group or something and the other two are just stupid, you never know.

Usually black hat arrives second, but every once in a while he shows up first. Fuzzball is always last. Sometimes I wonder if any of them have watches or how they know when to go to the grassy spot, but they always arrive around the same time and they sit there for hours.

One day they were still there at 5 p.m. when I was leaving work - that was a sign that they were definitely not on lunch break. I guess I was a little dense not to have realized this sooner, but before then I used to see them arrive and lunchtime and I never paid attention to when they left, I just assumed they were there only during lunchtime.

So, anyway about three and a half weeks ago, Fuzzball stopped showing up for his usual "lunch date." I wondered what happened to him but didn't think much of it, until a week later when I didn't see Gray for a few days. I was a little puzzled but still didn't think a whole lot about it, but by the end of the week, I was overwhelmed with curiosity.

My whole day seemed different, I guess because I couldn't sit and try to analyze these three characters or wonder what in the world they could be talking about. They seemed to be my escape from work in a way, instead of thinking about what I had to do after lunch, I thought about how these homeless people can sit in the same spot at the same time everyday.

So, on Friday as I walked across the street to get lunch, I stopped and talked to black hat. I was so used to thinking of him as black hat that I didn't even think about asking for his real name. I casually said, "I noticed that you're friends haven't been here in a while, can I ask why you're sitting here alone?" Sure, sounded very cheesy, but I don't usually talk to homeless people and I wasn't really sure how I should go about asking him this.

"I guess they're dead," he said with a straight face.

"Oh, I'm sure that is not the case," I said. "Maybe you'll see them again next week." At this point, I felt totally awkward and really didn't know what to say or do.

"No, they're dead," he said. "We all decided that we would come here to this very spot until we die and if we're not dead we will be here, and since they're not here, they must be dead. People die all of the time, you know. I guess I'll be the only one here and I plan to keep coming until I die too."

"I see," I said, a little bit in shock from him telling me this. "Well, I'm sorry to bother you," I said politely, and continued my walk across the street feeling as ignorant as ever by going up to this poor man and asking him questions like that, especially after hearing his answer.

I noticed that he did not bring lunch with him today, so I bought an extra sandwich from the deli. On my way back I brought it to him, and told him that I felt bad for asking about his friends and that I wanted him to eat this lunch in memory of them. I felt awkward still, but at least I felt like I was doing a good deed. He seemed a little puzzled, but graciously accepted that sandwich. I'm sure it had to be better than those that he receives from the shelter.