The Incendiary Buffoon

The New and Improved Guide to Overcoming Idiocy

By Tom Edwards

Don't take apart a Rubik's cube and put it back together to brag about solving it.

Don't break a $5 bill in the communion plate.

Don't scratch records on the church record player.

Don't reply to a cop's question about whether any firearms are in your vehicle

with, 'Not since last time I checked'.

Don't let people know what you had for lunch by what's on your face.

Don't wear iron on shirts with your name on them.

Don't squeeze zits on public mirrors.

Don't throw a football to a 7 month old.

Don't operate heavy machinery, period.

Don't use a clear garbage bag as a driver side window.

Don't make out with anything on the top row of a stadium at a lowly attended baseball game that's being televised.

Don't have anything suction cupped to your car windows-especially

if it flicks people off.

Don't eat chili cheese Fritos before going to the dentist.

Don't decide to grow your toenails out.

Don't roll the dog's head up in the car window.

Don't burn dead toe skin on the car cigarette lighter on long cross country trips-or even trips to the grocery store.

Don't spit on the steaming rocks in the hotel sauna.

Don't try the double back flip off of the high dive.

Don't laugh at gorillas in the zoo.

Don't drink hot chocolate with a straw.

Don't buy one get two free.

Don't own a car sound system that's more valuable than your automobile.

Don't launch other people's kids over the lip of the waterslide.

Don't use toads when playing stickball.

Don't wear sweatpants to court.

Don't bring a foghorn to a family member's graduation.

Don't throw your golf ball at the final hole for a bonus game of putt-putt.

Don't spit loogies in the bug zapper.

Don't kick over a 44-ounce soda before the theatre trailer previews are even over.

Don't shoot a pellet gun at the neighbor's dog.

Don't consider pixie sticks to be a meal.

Don't go without deodorant.

Don't set up a Nerf hoop on the edge of your grandma's coffin.

Don't melt crayons on light bulbs.

Don't fill a water balloon in a sink to the point of being too heavy to carry.

Don't wear Velcro for the sole pleasure of incessantly refastening it.

Don't eat cookie dough for breakfast.

Don't have a cigarette dangling out of your mouth while pumping gas.

Don't eat 23 jolly ranchers-all at the same time.

Don't toss skeeball over handed.

Don't replace your mother's Chapstick in her purse with a glue stick.

Don't weed eat while on a riding lawn mower.