The Dharma Bum

by Jaysen Buterin

"Be good...and you will be lonesome." - Mark Twain

And there are some days, no specific days in particular - just some days, when I think that ancient soothsayers and biblical prophets had a more arcane glimpse into the future of the universe than many of us do of our own present time. The prophecies and epiphanies of that famous Notre Dame guy foretold the trials and tribulations that would lead us into the tumultuous times we now find ourselves wandering thru. The Book of Revelations speculates, in more than one instance, on just such a predicament as we are ensconced in, and even the Dead Sea Scrolls allude to what is about to take place. Please put your seatbacks, trays, and stewardesses in their original and upright positions, place your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye because in just over a month it'll be here...that's right boys and girls, Guns N' Roses are going on tour again.

Unfortunately while my deviant little mind is askew enough to think of such things like anti-depressant vending machines and an entire planet made out of Nerf, above all things to thine own self I swear this be true. Part of me wishes I was making it up, and another part of revels in anamnesis at the thought of Bill Bailey taking both the guns, and the roses, back on the road again for the first time in nearly ten years. And then another part of me wonders just how pathetic, or how broke, is Axl to pull himself away from the "All You Can Eat Buffet Bar" at Shoney's and parade his steatopygic self on a stage surrounded by musicians young enough to be his offspring and some bloke with a bucket on his head (ironically enough, named Buckethead) because everyone else in the original band (Slash, Duff, Izzy, Steven, Gilby, or even Matt Sorum) told Axl to sod off, and got the hell out of Paradise City.

Don't get me wrong true believers, Appetite for Destruction is still one of the best rock albums of all time, but the sad thing is that that's really the only kick-ass material that GN'R has put out. Oh sure, there was the Lies, Lies, Lies album with its "Patience" ending up on every mix tape handed from a raging hormonal pubescent boy to the girl that he professed his undying love to when he really just wanted to touch her boobs; and of course, the song that made Axl Rose the poet laureate of his degeneration - "One in a Million" - but that album was actually recorded before Appetite. So what next for Axl and his new band of merry menstruating minstrels of misogyny? Alliteration you say? Not quite. Use Your Illusion I and II - a double album rock and roll opus that ruled the radio and video charts until a little music movement from Seattle grabbed hairbands by their mops and beat 'em so bad that when they woke up, only VH1 would have them...

Then Axl became sad because even the girls with the mullets were mocking him and so he disappeared into his once welcome jungle, emerging from time to time to hype the next big Guns N' Roses album, Chinese Democracy. News of this album first surfaced back in '97 (for those GN'R fans who banged their head one too many times, that's five years ago). While there is still no release date set for the new record, there is this upcoming world tour to promote all the hits from an album that nobody has heard - as well as songs that most people thought they would never hear again outside of a junior-high dance or roller-skating rink. Maybe the record will be finished when Axl is done eating his seasoned curly fries and jumbo Jamocha shake because he used to do a little but a little wouldn't do, so the little got more and more. Unfortunately, the little got more and more around Axl's waistline. I mean did anyone else see the MTV Video Music Awards? He got winded and sweaty just putting on his bandana - then graced our eyes by playing without a shirt, showing the world that The Spaghetti Incident was not only a Guns N' Roses album, but also apparently a way of life. Maybe the new Axl ate the old Axl...and everyone else from the band.

Maybe certain bands should've just stayed on drugs because if Axl doesn't watch it, he's going to go from being a rock and roll bad boy to being a rock and roll doughboy. I think there's still an opening in The Fat Boys. Axl, I'm begging you, don't do this to us. Don't shatter whatever diaphanous illusions the world may still have about you. Don't make all four of your remaining fans surrender their fantasy. Don't make Ronnie Ford's breathtaking versions of your songs be for nothing. You used to be the maniacal bad boy who leapt off stage mid-song to pummel evildoers with their cameras, causing rioting and looting galore. What are you going to throw a fit about now? Somebody eat the 46 cases of Krispy Kreme doughnuts you had stashed in your dressing room? Or maybe you can elicit some rabble-rousing and revolutionary angst at the Taco Bell drive-thru when the evildoers run out of mild sauce for your Nachos Bell Grande? Seriously Axl, put down the fork, because the next time you leap off stage you're liable to crush your remaining fan base to death.

Wow, I really thought I had more prolific and important things to talk about than Axl Rose but apparently I don't, so as the sun sets slowly in the West, I bid you a fond farewell as I set aside my Appetite for Destruction album and choose instead, to spend my time in the pumpkin patch awaiting the return of the Great Pumpkin because, as my beloved will confirm, I've been a really, really good boy. G'night kids!