The Cloning of American Music

By Mix 104.7's Jason Parker

Time is more valuable than money, so instead of spending five minutes aimlessly trying to explain what The Cloning of American Music means and how it affects you, I will give you a scenario. You're driving along listening to the radio. The song that makes you push the pedal down harder, drive like an idiot, and act cool in front of that sexy thing in the next lane, comes on. You hit the controls and your car is pulsating with the sound of your favorite artist. Your heart, mind, and car match beat in true musical clockwork. After a few minutes the song is over, your audible high goes away, you turn the radio down, and return to normal driving mode. Three songs later you hear the sound of what you think is your favorite artist again. Up goes the decibel level and you're off. Only this time it's not who you think it is, it's someone who sounds very similar. The beats, instruments, and lyrical phrasing are all the same. But it's just a clone. In subconscious protest you change the station or flip to a CD.

The cloning of American music doesn't apply to any one category of music it exists in all forms, from country to rap and easy listening to alternative. However it occurs more in Top 40 music than anywhere else -three prime examples are the B.S. Boys, 104 Degrees, and N-Stink. I could say that I changed their names to protect the innocent but since they are all guilty of sounding like each other and you're a smart person I'll admit I did it just for fun. My bosses at the station might not like it considering I play all of those groups on my air shift, but it's always better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.

Another set of clones in Top 40 music, are four ladies named Britney, Christina, Jessica, and Mandy. They are all very beautiful young women making very ugly money. And due to the drive by which record companies use to make that ugly money, music is venturing towards a very watered down existence. Every day at the station we get CDs from clones of all kinds, a vast majority of them you will never hear of because not only are they cloned, they suck. They can't even make money being a clone. Sometimes I wonder what factory is producing these people. Is there a suburb in Florida where everyone grows up as a marketing and packaging dream with perfect complexions, bodies, and not so perfect vocal cords? Where they are producing these groups may be something I haven't figured out yet, but I have figured out the formula to cloning a pop group.

Step 1: Waive absurd amounts of money in front of three to five teenage boys or girls to get them into a recording studio. Then name them something non-offensive or something that corresponds with their names or where they are from. For example if they are from Cape Girardeau call them something like, The Broadway Boys or the Good Hope Miracles. Just make sure it's catchy.

Step 2:Have your group cut four upbeat catchy songs that people can dance to. Four slow ballad songs with the words - girl, boy, baby, love, him, her, us and heart in them. Two songs that make no sense whatsoever -perhaps taking lines from a Dr. Seuss rhyme. One song that's a cover of an old classic rock tune, slap a remix of one of the songs on the end and then add an intro track in which no one actually sings but really cool sound effects are heard under the sound of a fake reporter interviewing the group on their recent fame. During the interview track make sure that one of the members is silent and tough because he or she is representing, one makes comments about back home and being real, one is arrogant, one uses Mike Tyson's vocabulary adding works like boozwaaa while everyone else is trying to talk, and have one member sound like Bobcat Goldthwait.

Step 3:Use advanced digital technology on the vocals to blend out the "cat being burnt alive" sound, add a generic beat behind the vocals that can be reused on a few songs in the next CD, and ship the CD off to be mass produced.

Step 4:Get your group some threads, but make sure they are baggy for the boys, and very skimpy for the girls. Oh and very ugly sometimes works too. Perhaps use pieces of a police uniform with khaki pants, and sneakers. The weirder the outfit is the better. Plus the more muscle, skin, or cleavage it shows the more prepubescent teens will fork over money for merchandise.

Step 5:Have your group photographed in very basic poses, including walking down a corridor with wind blowing in their hair and sitting or standing with arms folded. Then send the photos to the CD-company to be slapped in the jewel case of the CD.

Step 6:Take your group to a choreographer and tell him or her that you want your group to dance a combination of Tae-Bo, early Paula Abdul, and something that looks tough so that your group won't take any guff from their competition.

Step 7:Ship the CDs out, arrange for your group to start touring with a bunch of other groups on some corporate sponsored deal, slip Carson and the suits at MTV some dough, call Jay Leno's people and then call Letterman's people.

Step 8:Sit back and make that ugly money!

Step 9:Rinse and repeat a year or two later with a new group.

Step 10:Follow Step 9.

All music can be cloned, but the upside is that not all of it is and that in most instances cloned music is trendy music that doesn't hang around too terribly long. Remember the explosion of Latin stars last year? Ricky Martin living the crazy life, Enrique Iglesias singing about Bailamos, and Mark Anthony needing to know. It seems that whatever is trendy will suddenly gain momentum and explode, then implode and fade away. Music is great and it is still one of the ultimate forms of expression. Only when that expression is mass-produced is music in jeopardy. It's just a shame that I couldn't buy stock in a group of clones like the B.S. Boys or N-STINK so I could make some ugly money of my own.