Screen Time

by Sam Dereign

August already? It's bad enough God is making us go back to school...but with a limited choice in new releases? Oh the humanity!

ALIEN VS PREDATOR (August 13)

To start off with, I'm sure this film will truly appeal to fans of the original "Alien" and "Predator" movies since neither Sigourney Weaver nor Arnold Schwarzenegger appear in this. Instead, we're introduced to a lovely unknown actress by the name of Sanaa Lathan whose resume includes such classics as "Brown Sugar" and the made for T.V. movie "Disappearing Acts." She's part of an archaeological team who heads off to Antarctica where the group gets between the two monsters and one by one they're killed off.

Of course, you'll be sitting in the theater, pointing at the screen, telling your friend, "Oh man, that guy's gonna die."

And most likely, he will, because of the smart-aleck remark he made towards the main character in Scene 2.

And to top things off, the director (Paul W.S. Anderson) is the same guy who did Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat. So, without even seeing this film, I'm guessing it's going to be a movie based solely upon its special effects and robo-tronic creatures that go around eating victims who you could care less about due to terrible acting and jumpy camera work. Although, how could you honestly give your character any depth when your sole purpose is to yell "Look out!" and then run away as these retro 1980's monsters chase you.

Bottom line: "Freddy VS Jason" all over again...without the girl from Destiny's Child.

THE PRINCESS DIARIES 2: ROYAL ENGAGEMENT (August 11)

(Sigh) Where do I begin?

I caught about the last 10 minutes of the original when it came on TV a few weeks ago. Unfortunately I had missed my fiancé's (Mandy Moore's) appearance in the film although our princess (Anne Hathaway) ain't too shabby herself.

In this sequel, our main character (Mia Thermopolis) is being taught her duties as princess when all of a sudden she is to become queen sooner than expected and must be married before her crowning. It's a movie I'm sure a lot of teenaged girls can relate to...being rich, beautiful, always getting the guy, and having Julie Andrews as your grandmother to sing your worries away.

COLLATERAL (August 6)

Now this, I must say, could be interesting. It's not a remake AND it's not a sequel! How can you get any more original than that? Plus, we can admire Tom Cruise's hair that looks like it was sprayed with a cheap bottle of gray hair paint from Wal-Mart.

Cruise plays a hit man and takes a cab driver (Jamie Foxx) hostage as he makes his way around Los Angeles and kills people for reasons unknown to me.

For the big climax, Foxx has to find a way to save himself and the final victim. Can he do it? Or will he break out into "Slow Jamz" halfway through the movie, turning the theater into a club scene?

On that note, don't forget to bring the bottle of Cristal just in case this movie doesn't live up to my mediocre expectations.

WITHOUT A PADDLE (August 18)

If movies had reproductive organs and could successfully mate, then "Without a Paddle" would be the son of Mr. "Deliverance" and Mrs. "City Slickers." Unfortunately the only trait he received from his father's side was the whole three guys canoeing thing. He got most of his mother's cheesy humor and clumsy characters that could do absolutely everything wrong without even trying.

The plot is basically this: three friends canoe down the Columbia River after the death of their friend, Billy, who always wanted to go searching for the missing money a famed hijacker stole before he parachuted to his death in the woods. So, to keep the memory of their friend alive, they take the journey that Billy never had the chance to take and come across some "hilarious" situations.

I can only imagine with comic geniuses such as Seth Green (Idle Hands) and Matthew Lillard (Scooby Doo) playing the lead characters. And I must congratulate the casting directors for squeezing in Burt Reynolds to do a little cameo as a crazy mountain man.

Now if you'll excuse me, Dreamworks and I have a meeting over turning the story of a dog crapping on my friend's shoe into a motion picture.

EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING (August 20)

OK, so this isn't the 70's anymore and people these days are basically immune to controversial films full of evil and anti-God messages such as Pluto Nash. So why bother making another one if it's not going to cause such a hullabaloo as the original once did?

I suppose the director, Renny Harlin, felt compelled to do a sequel to a movie known for its pure evil and horrifying sequences after working with Sylvester Stallone in "Cliffhanger" and Bruce Willis in "Die Hard 2."

It's too bad M. Night. Shyamalan couldn't have gotten a hold of the script before Mr. Harlin did. But even he may have had trouble pleasing audiences with a sequel.

There will always be one Exorcist in my heart...and even that one didn't live up to its frightful reputation. It did, however, give you a whole new perspective on the use of crucifixes.

LITTLE BLACK BOOK (August 6)

How original! Brittany Murphy in a cutesy little relationship where cutesy little disasters happen!

Alright, alright. If you ladies want to go see it for a girl's night out, then by all means, go. Just do NOT make your male loved one sit through it.

The film is about Murphy as an associate producer for a talk show who interviews her boyfriend's ex-girlfriends so that she may find out more of what he's been like in the past. Coincidentally, she becomes friends with one of them and must reveal her true self and what she is doing.

Come on Brittany. I know you can do better than this...I think.

And there you have it folks. Out of the entire bunch I'd only recommend "Collateral," but it's your money. Do what you will. Just don't come crying to me when you realize those two precious hours of your life will never come back.

sdereign@semissourian.com