Screen Time

Wow, you'd think the summer season started already! Letís get going

WALKING TALL

Where's my generation's Joe Don Baker? It sure ain't the Rock; he has to take it down a notch for this based-on-a-true-story remake. If Rock was being the Rock, this "cleaning-up-town" act would take twenty minutes. LOOK FOR: Johnny Knoxville, because somebody has to show us how much it hurts.

HOME ON THE RANGE

This Disney cartoon features Oscar winners Judi Dench and Cuba Gooding, Jr., and Oscar-nominated Jennifer Tilly. So who gets to do the talk shows? Roseanne. By the way, this should be the last of Disney's hand-drawn movies. From here on in, it's Pixar ripoffs and cheap direct-to-TV sequels. LOOK FOR: the three little pigs and their porkin' karate chops

JOHNSON FAMILY VACATION

Cedric the Entertainer gets his Chevy Chase on as he attempts some family bonding with a little cross-country trip. I'm glad Vanessa Williams is there, but would she really hook up with someone like him? LOOK FOR: Shannon Elizabeth as Christie Brinkley.

THE PRINCE & ME

How do I describe this movie without giving the whole plot away? "Julia Stiles" and "romantic comedy" pretty much sum it up. Although the prince reminds me of Freddie Prinze Jr. LOOK FOR: the dressing-up montage!

THE WHOLE TEN YARDS

Remember when Bruce Willis was a star? When Matthew Perry was funny?

THE ALAMO

Quick quiz: how many of you know how this battle ended? See, now that's a reason to see the movie right there. And no fair watching the John Wayne version, either! DON'T LOOK FOR: Davy Crockett's Coonskin Cap. (I guess we're all supposed to start wearing caterpiller sideburns instead...)

ELLA ENCHANTED

At first, I couldn't see myself watching this movie. Then I started thinking about all the modern fairy-tale movies I do like, like SHREK, and PRINCESS BRIDE, and... SHREK 2. As teen movies go, ELLA ENCHANTED's got a pedigree (the scriptwriters of LEGALLY BLONDE). And it's got a premise sure to appeal to quiet teenage girls who can't wait to be more than quiet teenage girls. LOOK FOR: Another Matrix Ripoff Fight Scene. And a dressing-up montage.

MAN ON FIRE

Denzel Washington offers a new take on his Superfly Poitier roles: now he's a gruff ex-federal agent turned bodyguard going after the guys that kidnapped the little girl on his watch. When you can out-creep Christopher Walken in the trailer, you are one bad mofo. LOOK FOR: someplace else to vacation besides Mexico this year.

KILL BILL, VOL. 2

Why see the second half if you didn't see the first? Because of the Mexican pimp. Because we find out how Ms Driver lost her eye. Because it all comes down to this. Because this time, Samuel L Jackson shows up. LISTEN FOR: the Superman monologue

THE PUNISHER

Is anybody going to see this movie? As of press time, it's opening against Kill Bill 2, which already has all the gun-crazy movie geeks (such as myself) ready to part with 8 bucks. Maybe they're going for people who think killing is men's work. Hey, did you know John Travolta's in this? LOOK FOR: Kevin Nash!!! The Sexecutioner! Diesel! Big Daddy Cool! (I wonder if there'll be a ladder match)

13 GOING ON 30

Actors love movies like this: a teenage girl makes a birthday wish, and wakes up in her 30-year-old life. Remember Tom Hanks in BIG? Remember Kathleen Turner in PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED? Remember Demi Moore in PASSION OF MIND?... never mind. LOOK FOR: The dressing-up montage!

MEAN GIRLS

What the heck?!? Did April become girls' month? Now we got Lindsay Lohan, re-teamed with her FREAKY FRIDAY director, doing the same character she did in TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN? I don't care if Saturday Night Live head writer Tina Fey wrote it! What, is it prom season yet? LOOK FOR: another freakin' dress-up montage.

GODSEND

It's a post-modern Rosemary's Baby as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Greg Kinnear (who, you must admit, would make a beautiful baby together) ask Dr Robert DeNiro to clone their deceased son. Will the child be good... or evil? LOOK FOR: another reason to not have children.

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

Hey! This was supposed to come out last month! Well, maybe it's got a dressing-up montage.

VAN-HELSING

The director of THE MUMMY franchise, Stephen Sommers, doesn't slow down with his next project. It's got Dracula, the Frankenstein Monster, and the Wolfman! And Wolverine! (okay, Hugh Jackman.) Movie summer has begun! (Does that sound good enough for a poster? I'm aiming for quotable) LOOK FOR: the scene where Jackman broke a guy's hand during shooting.

NEW YORK MINUTE

The Olson Twins star as oh, I give up!

If you want to check out a movie guaranteed to be good, check out Wehrenberg's late show for April: AIRPLANE! It's like the grain alcohol of comedy, more jokes per minute than perhaps should be legal. At that speed, you should find something funny.