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Film reviews by Vasiliy Zaltsev

Looking to see Arnold Schwarzenegger crack one-liners and shoot through torsos with a laser gun?

Hollywood knows you do, and they know where they're going to build the new strip malls and Old Navy franchises with the oodles of millions of dollars you're going to shell out to see The Sixth Day (PG- 13).

Still smarting from such mind -rending catastrophes as Last Action Hero and End of Days, Ah-nuld has clambered onto the set once again to Br ing us the sci-fi tale of a charter pilot named Gibson. Gibson's business partner switches places with him to shuttle a client to a ski lodge so Gibson is free to shop for a new dog at Re-Pet, the pet cloning store. When Gibson returns home, he discovers a duplicate of himself chilling in his house, smoking his Don Diegos, and making nice with his wife.

Arnold doesn't have time to deal with the situation - what many would simply dismiss as just another anomaly in a contradictory world of unexpected possibilities that often follow brief periods of unconsciousness - before a gang of baddies start chasing him.

In the ensuing mayhem, one can almost see a ghost-image of the film company exec - like that imp with the money bags from Monopoly - telling director Roger Spottiswoode, "I want Total Recall, but A-falrd it up. Add human clones."

The good news: you'll walk out of the theater without the usual dread feeling that you've just lost two hours of your life. Kind of.

Rating: Three out of five clone embryos.

Video Recommendation,

American Psycho (R) - Director Mary Harron's heartwarming adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis's feminist manifesto. Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) maintains a life as a narcissistic New York Fortune 500 exec whilst slowly fighting a mental Stalingrad to not slip from psychotic to mega- psychotic. Harron cuts some of the gore of the Ellis novel - gore of such a magnitude that it, reportedly, led American Psycho's first prospective publisher to tell the author, no thanks and keep the $300,000 advance.

The movie can serve as a primer for the certain percentage of you SEMO students who will crack upon leaving the uterus-like environs of academic life and seek to inflict your pain on your fellow citizenry. Lay the dropcloth down before you do any heavy cutting, people.

About the author:

Vasiliy Zaitsev is 26-years-old. He makes a mean vegetable curry. Write to him c/o Off