New Year's resolutions you can keep

I have never made a New Year's resolution before, and I never plan on doing so. I believe that a person should be happy with who they are -- be they fat, a smoker, a chronic liar, etc.

But this isn't true. I don't make New Year's resolutions because I know I can't keep them. Why diet when there are so many delicious snacks to consume? Why exercise when it makes you sweat? If I gave up smoking, what would I do while I was drinking?

So my resistance to the New Year's resolution is based partially on my love for myself as I am, and partially on my general laziness. Maybe I should resolve to be less lazy, but that would probably take too much effort.

I think it is in the best interest of the people of Southeast Missouri to abandon these outdated and cliched resolutions. I mean, so you really think you're going to put down that Little Debbie snack cake or snuff out the cigarette for good? You'll just be making yourself feel guilty for a year, until next Jan. 1 rolls around and you tell yourself, "This time is for real." And guess who's scarfing down Ho Hos on Jan. 2? That's right, you.

If you want to change yourself for the better (which, confidence aside, everyone could be doing something to improve their mind or body, or help their fellow man), why does the beginning of a new year have to kick-start this change in yourself? New year, new person, I suppose, but changing a small thing about yourself (ex., I have an ugly haircut so my resolution is to get a nice one) isn't going to make you a new person.

Setting unrealistic goals isn't going to help, either. A decision to drop 30 pounds or stop shopping so much isn't likely to be achievable if you've taken absolutely no steps over the past year to move toward your goal. And that will just make you feel bad and cause you to eat/shop more.

So you still want to change yourself for the new year? Fine, but how about instead of the normal resolutions you adopt an important one? I offer many fine examples for the people of Southeast Missouri:

1. I resolve to stop complaining about the lack of alternative/ethnic food places in the area and then never going to them when they do open, causing them to close;

2. I resolve to stop at all red lights, even if the guy in front of the guy in front of me is going through the yellow;

3. In that same vein, I resolve to learn the difference between a flashing red and a flashing yellow light (and what a turn signal is);

4. Also, I resolve to stop merging onto the highway by going straight into the turn lane, giving the person in the car next to me a heart attack;

5. And I resolve that, if I chose to drive a car the size of a tank, that I learn to park it and stop complaining about gas prices;

6. I resolve to wear appropriate seasonal attire such as a coat and long pants in the wintertime, because I really am cold in my shorts and polo shirt in January and everyone knows it;

7. I resolve to stop being a miserable person and taking out my frustration on innocent sales clerks and customer service operators. Just because they don't have a big important VCR repair technician job like me and I am spending $30 in their establishment, it doesn't give me the right to be a complete tool;

8. If I am male, I resolve to stop wearing my vertical-striped shirt I got from the J.C. Penney's boys' department out to the bar and then make it my duty to stare at the chests of every female in sight;

9. If I am female, I resolve to stop upholding the sexist standards our society places on us, which includes: using the excuse "my husband would kill me" when refusing to apply for a store's charge card, insisting that men pay for certain things or do things simply because of their sex, or wearing a tube top in January to the bar that above male is attending so he may have a better view of my breasts.

10. Also if I am female I resolve to stop acting stuck-up because I have a fake Louis Vuitton bag that isn't even in style anymore anyway.

I don't care if you smoke or drink or eat or spend money, but if you're going to try to be a better person, I can't think of a nicer way to begin than my suggestions.

Here's hoping to see those turn signals on Jan. 2!