Kizzle yo televizzle

by Jason Parker

We made it! And to mark our journey into this 2004th year of the new age, we survived numerous television marathons and bowel games to begin the year. Yes I said bowel games, originally a typo but upon second thought, I feel it fits for some of you, especially those who may have consumed a bit too much while ringing out 2003.

2003, like all women on this Earth had many redeemable qualities. I found out my sperm can swim upstream, the Yankees didn't win it all, our favorite Lord of the WMD's was captured, I lost 27 pounds*, the economy strengthened, and there were a few more extremely good things. Notice the asterisk on the weight loss. You can all laugh now as I managed to gain back every ounce. In my defense, it's easy to let your taste buds run wild when your wife craves Papa Murphy's Pizza, El Torero, ice cream, late night fountain sodas then more Papa Murphy's Pizza, El Torero, ice cream and late night sodas.

Eventually I just said **** it, let go and enjoyed it. So now along with the pizza, Mexican, ice cream, and soda, I'm eating crow. But that's okay I think I can swindle some more cash from my co-workers in 2004 with yet another weight lost competition.

2004 will bring many great things for all of us, but let's skip right past all the warm and fuzzy stuff and right into why all 3 of you are reading this, my depressing yet wondrous and simply amazingly stupid predictions for 2004.

Entertainment: In a scandal as paramount as J.Lo and Ben, Nick Lache and Jessica Simpson will break up after Jessica realizes Nick married her just to keep his hope of a solo career alive. We will call this scandal "Nessica". It will be fun and delicious. In December of 2004 one million LOTR fanatics will die of depression. Reality dating shows will hit an all time low with the airing of S.T.D. The suspenseful game show will involve characters with various diseases competing to see who can contract the most in a four-week stay at a swank motel in Rehobuth, New Jersey. Ratings for the show will only be topped by Eating Disorder Island. The wacky reality game show where extremely obese contestants are paired with bulimic or anorexic contestants, and all must share techniques and avoid temptation until each person on a team weighs the same amount. Originally I debated calling it Tipping The Scales.

Sports: The St. Louis Rams will not make it to the Super Bowl. I hope I'm wrong. Dick Vermeil will cry....a lot. The St. Louis Cardinals will finish just above the Brewers. Yet again I hope I'm wrong. Mizzou will make it to the Sweet 16. Kobe Bryant will misinterpret the Sweet 16 as a great way to pick up chicks. The Blues will finally make it to the 3rd round of the NHL playoffs.

Politics: Amidst confusion Canada will be invaded and a massive search for the WMD will be unleashed. Documents will surface that this was really in retaliation for Avril Lavigne, Nelly Furtado, Bob and Doug McKenzie, Alan Thicke, and Bryan Adams. Al Franken will win the Democratic nomination only to lose to W.

Death: Bill O'Reilly will be gunned down mysteriously in a drive by shooting after pissing off 32 different rappers. Rumors will stir that he faked his own death and will resurface in 2011. Ironically Tupac Shakur's body will be discovered inside the body of Notorious B.I.G.'s. This will solidify the theory that the two were really friends that faked their own deaths but after a late night drunken binge in San Trope, Biggie mistook the wiry Tupac for a late night snack leading to the demise of both concurrently. Days after the hearing the news, Marlon Brando will die after ingesting rapper 50 Cent. Siegfried and Roy will both pass after Roy is eaten by a housecat and Siegfried slays Carson from Q.E.F.T.S.G. and turns the gun on himself. 50 Cent, however, will cut his way out of the beast's stomach ala Han Solo cutting up the belly of that snow beast to puke Luke in.

Fads: Zubaz, spandex, and Hypercolor will return. The "Nothing Diet" will take the world by storm. Millions die of starvation after eating nothing and everyone else just gets fatter after doing nothing. Mullets however, will not be back in. Caffeine injections will be all the rage because there is nothing like putting a triple latte into your eyelid.

Video Games: Rockstar Games will introduce a game simply titled Mass Murder. No cheat codes will be needed because the character will be armed with everything useful for bloody murder. Literally everything from a number 2 pencil to a triple barrel flamethrower, and even Clay Aiken cds, will be provided. Your character will also be invincible.

Hope that helps you to see the great things 2004 has in store, at least according to me, the man who is still up at 7a.m. after injecting a little caffeine into his body. The old fashioned way.

God Bless!