Kill Your TV

By Mix 104.7 Afternoon Whore "Parker"

Okay, so I'm sitting here checking my email and I get this email from Chad, the guy who is in charge of this Off Magazine thing. Anyway he's letting me know that today is the deadline to write this thing and so after much pondering (about one minute), I've decided to give advice to those guys out there who are thinking about or in the process of getting married, since I myself married a few months ago.

Not that any man in his right mind would actually think about or plan the big day. Oh sure you'll think for weeks about when to ask, how to ask, and where to ask but the actual day is beyond you. You'll think about how great it will be to be married and how you and your wife will be able to spend every night together and how you are going to take on the world together and all this wonderful stuff, but for some reason you will not think about the day itself. With that in mind, I shall call this article:

A MAN'S GUIDE TO PLANNING A WEDDING

The word "planning" is kind of a stretch. I found out that basically you smile a lot and just sign the check. My friends, when the day comes and you realize that letting her go will single-handedly be the biggest mistake you could ever make, then you must act or risk losing. Take action. This would be called proposing. Only you can decide when and where to do this. I chose an empty beach in Cancun at midnight to propose. I figured that if I turn out to be a lazy good for nothing husband, at least I started off on the right foot. I jest, of course.

After the deed is done and you both agree to spend the rest of your lives together, the two of you will begin two different paths that lead to the same destination. You will relax and enjoy being engaged. You will not have a care in the world except getting used to saying fiancée instead of girlfriend. You will find creative ways to work that work into everyday conversation, even if it is not relevant.

For instance you will be in line at the local grocery store and see Cosmopolitan. You will purchase this magazine not because you lack testicles but because you want to tell the checker that it's for your fiancée. The checker will not care and will look at you with the same blank look that they give drunken belligerent fools trying to beat the 1:30 a.m. state liquor law cutoff.

Your fiancée, however, will begin her very separate journey to marriage. The instant you propose she will start continuing to plan your big day. Yes, I said continue. See it's a little known fact that all women are born dreaming of and planning the big day. You will find this out, in the window of time between proposal and nuptials. The minute a female is born, she is planning her wedding. You just come into the picture toward the end of the whole thing.

After you propose and she agrees to put up with you for eternity, all will be happy. She will then call her mother. They will both rejoice and all will be happy once more. She will then call her entire family. They will all rejoice and once again all will be happy. The day after you become engaged, she will have 50 percent of the wedding planned. Two weeks later 99 percent of everything will be planned, at least in theory.

As time goes by, she will ask you questions, and you will respond. If she does not like your response it will cause a slight disruption in the harmony of that particular day. DO NOT let any step of planning your wedding cause a big fight or an argument that lasts longer than an hour. Life is too damn sweet to sour up.

All is not lost, as you will have a say in a few things. You will get to pick your best man, and your groomsmen. This is a decision that really doesn't involve much stress. See most guys could care less if they are in your wedding or not, just as long as they get invited to the reception, a few of the women are single, and the beer is cold.

Guys don't get too emotional if they aren't picked to be in the actual wedding. I chose my brother as my best man, my cousin as a groomsmen, and then pretty much drew names out of a hat after that. If any guy in your circle of friends gets upset because he is not included, you must shame him in front of everyone. At this point he will realize that he is being a selfish ninny and probably buy you a round of beer.

Your fiancée, however, will struggle for weeks with different combinations of bridesmaids and candle lighters, and candle lighter escorts, and escorts for the escorts, and escorts who help prepare the escorts who are escorting someone, and so on. She may even have to change the dynamics of the entire wedding to accommodate all of those who deserve to be in the wedding and those who feel they deserve to be in the wedding. DO NOT get involved with this. If your fiancée starts bad mouthing people this is not an open invitation to speak out on the pros and cons of so and so. This will only get you in trouble. Keep your mouth shut and ears peeled.

The only other thing you will have a say in is the song which will actually bring man-sobs to your eyes every time you hear it. At first my wife (then fiancée) wanted some horrible country song, and since I would rather watch panda bears mate than dance to some horrible Lonestar song, I used my power of veto and we went with "At Last" by Etta James.

As a man getting married you are allowed only three vetoes during the whole process. Use them wisely and keep in mind that you will not get along with each other for about two weeks before the wedding. After the ceremony I suggest consummating the marriage as soon as you can. This is why they call it consummating. After this you will both look at each other and laugh about all the stress that you put on yourself.

Other than that, gentlemen, go forth, enjoy life and love her like no other. I will say be very skeptical of those whose services you employee. Our photographer was a total joke. She portrayed herself as a total professional, and her presentation was very convincing, but she ripped us off after the wedding. She also has pissed me off so much that I am filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau because she is now reneging on what was promised to us. On top of all of that, her pictures were taken with the skill of a 4 -year-old. I will not give out the name of the photographer who did this because it would be slander, but I will say be careful.

In closing I will say this: The wedding will not go smoothly. Someone will miss their cue, something will malfunction, and if you are like me, you will spike the bouquet during the ceremony and kiss your new bride so passionately that the priest will mumble "easy boy" after the crowd starts making the "whooohoooo" noise. In the words of my uncle, Good Life, Good Love, Good Luck. Don't take it too hard or too fast.

P.S. Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Dan Grimm. You deserve all the happiness that life can give.