Kill Your TV

By Mix 104.7's afternoon personality Jason Parker

Did we have a good time on Spring Break? Good. Be sure to send the pictures and/or stories to jparker@withersradio.net.

Normally I would say that I'm kidding but because I'm doing research on the social habits of college co-eds who participate in traditional Spring Break rituals I seriously need this material. If you can't tell, the material in this edition of Kill Your TV will include a variety of subjects and observations that I have. To start off this potluck edition I want to let all of you who are feeling the absence of thousands of mp3's on Napster know that there is a solution. Check out www.ohaha.com. It's run by English speaking humans from a foreign country, therefore the R.I.A.A. (Recording Idiots and @$$holes of America) cannot currently shut it down or regulate it. Check it out, that's www.ohaha.com. I will be giving out more free information on how to fight the power in the near future.

On the subject of free stuff, I want to tell you about a serious disease that has been infecting all radio stations throughout the country since the beginning of the preverbal prize closet. This horribly tenacious disease is called Prizhogamongus. P-hog as it is called for short has no known cure, I repeat no known cure.

Four of the numerous surefire warning signs of P-hog are: 1. Calling a radio station to win a prize, when you don't know what the prize is.

2. Winning something from two or more radio stations in the same week.

3. When you call a radio station and win something, the DJ doesn't ask for your contact information because it's already in the computer system under the heading "regular." 4. Waiting exactly 30 days (the standard amount of time one must wait before one can win something else) to win another prize and continuing this cycle for at least three months.

If someone you know has any of these symptoms or symptoms similar to those of Prizhogamongus, please follow these steps to temporarily contain this viscous beast.

1. Utilizing a razor blade and some rubbing alcohol, carefully remove the phone from the P-hog's ear.

2. While the P-hog is writhing in pain, clear the request line numbers off of the phones speed dialing system.

3. In place of the request line numbers, enter the phone numbers of the nearest employment service and psychiatric ward. If the P-hog is employed please enter the direct line to their boss.

Simply put, friends don't let friends become prize hogs Now, on to the misuse and overuse of pop phrases such as "off the hook." Why are the VJs on MTV using this phrase during every segment? It's not just the music channels. It's everywhere. Every time I dare to "channel surf," somehow I manage to catch someone using "off the hook." Perhaps it is because "off the hook" can be used in so many different ways when using the English language, which I do not claim to be an expert at.

"Off the hook" has become the latest "whassup." "Off the hook" can be used to describe animate and inanimate objects.

"Coming up we got some off the hook stuff from Jennifer Lopez," "I think you are totally off the hook baby," "mom these mashed potatoes are off the hook," and finally "man my tax return was off the hook this year." It's the same phenomena with the phrase "tight," "my bad" and "word up." To combat this gross negligence of spoken word, I am hoping to implement a few catch phrases of my own into the mainstream vocabulary of Southeast Missouri, just so there are more than two phrases being recycled. The Dirty Southeast is now the way to describe what part of the state you live in. This is a variation of The Dirty South, which is used when speaking of the Southeast region of the United States. "Everything is chill" (credit to "Shishkabob" Dave Irwin) is now the way to convey the message that things are alright, and that you're calm. For example: "No she's not knocked up, we had her take an EPT, and everything is chill." And finally I would like to hear people use the word "twinkie" more often. Twinkie is the equivalent of dork or geek. It's to be used in jest. As in "Steve Sullivan of the Breakfast Flakes is always joking around, he is such a twinkie." Feel free to start your own catchy descriptions of things.

In closing I would like to share with you a few ways to get a telemarketer to stop calling. The first is to offer them something. The minute they hit you with the offer, say something like "No, not interested but I do have this ugly couch for sale, wanna make an offer?" Another way is to ask them something off the wall, for instance "Sorry to interrupt your sales pitch, but I was wondering if I could use a cat to get this gerbil out of my. ..?" And lastly, Shishkabob Dave told me that the best way he has come across to get rid of telemarketers is to start cursing at them, calling them Herman, and asking if they had sexual relations with a guy named Scott.