Kill Your TV

By Mix 104.7's Jason Parker

We made it! Despite all the hype about last years Y2K bug, we made it to and

survived 2000 to cross over into another new year. With the beginning of a new year, the time has come for breaking resolutions and looking back to see what came of last year. Did you achieve everything you wanted to? Did you finally hook up with that certain someone? Were all of your ventures a success? One venture that has succeeded rather well is this publication. OFF! Magazine in now officially beginning it's second year. While we are still a "baby" of sorts, we will grow faster than any New Years baby ever will.

Speaking of babies. Why is it that some people talk to little ones like they are pets? I've always wondered that. I don't have any children, but I do have very young nephews, cousins, and such. And while that doesn't make me an official on raising a child, it gives me insight into the world of bringing up spawn. It has also made me think about how I want to raise my children. Do I want to give in to traditional ways and treat my kid like Lassie or do I want to start a new trend in trying to reason with my kids. Why would I try to reason with a newborn child? Because it has always made me crazy to hear an adult talk

to a newborn kid as if the child was their family dog. "Oh that's a good boy, eat your food....nummy nummy...come on it's your favorite." I understand the reasoning behind talking to a child in a positive tone. It's to make them feel good and at ease. By nature humans respond to the positive better than the negative. Same principal applies to negative vs. positive reinforcement.

In attempting to reason with a baby, I would still use positive reinforcement, but I would skip past the Pavlov dog routine. You know the routine I'm referring to. It goes something like this: "Come on honey, talk for mommy and I'll give you another spoonful of nanners." Now let's try reasoning with the squirt while still maintaining a positive tone to our voice. "Kid, I know this processed banana mush tastes like garbage, but if you eat at least half of it I'll slip you a chocolate chip cookie to gnaw on when your mother isn't

looking!" Sounds absurd doesn't it? Try it. It works because kids are not as simple minded as most think. How many times have you heard that reading to a woman's pregnant stomach can help a child to grow to be very intelligent? There are documented scientific studies that show kids who are read and talked to while still in the womb, are slightly smarter than those whose parents treat them like the are without a complete mind.

I never thought I'd say this, but perhaps the plot to Look Who's Talking wasn't

that far off. Maybe kids can act more like adults than some grownups can. When a baby regurgitates those "nanners", is it an automatic bodily response or could it possibly be deliberate? Why is it that a baby will puke on your new shirt and giggle, but when you act goofy in an attempt to produce a laugh, the baby just sits there looking at you like you're blocking their view of the ceiling? It's because kids are not, completely helpless, or simple minded. There are different types of babies and the misconception that babies are indeed

helpless and simple minded allows the existence of something called an Evil Baby. Yes I said it. You've thought it before, but probably thought it too taboo to say. The label kind of ranks with Ugly Babies, no one wants to admit it, but they do exist. Evil babies are the ones who almost do everything deliberately. We've all encountered one. They're the ones who only laugh when they are causing a mess because they know they've got the system beat. Evil babies make great politicians because they know how to put on a show that pleases people, yet at the same time they can do their dirty work. They are schemers who know that they can get away with their act for a long duration of time.

The same babies are often the ones who grow up to learn that playing dumb in

high school will actually get them better grades. I didn't believe that theory myself until I saw it unfold over a four-year span. Many years ago, before all night keg parties in college, and the real world I went to high school. And in high school I knew this guy who will just be known as Jim. Jim was constantly in trouble with the law, his parents, and just about any type of authority. The kid was a total screw up, but he managed to get A's and B's in every subject. I could never figure out how he managed to pull it off semester after semester. Finally I asked him how he managed to get such good grades even though he was always back talking teachers and getting thrown in detention for smoking and drinking in the bathroom. "I play dumb," he said. "In every class I have I always act like I can't grasp what exactly the teacher is trying to say." I was dumbfounded and asked Jim why that managed to work. "I always ask really simple questions that I act like I don't know the answers to," he said. "That way the teacher actually feels like they're doing their job and have a bit of power in the classroom, over me at least." He went on to add, "By helping them feel good about themselves, in turn they take it easier on me and give me the benefit of the doubt on homework and tests."

...A successful scheme from a true schemer who was probably an Evil baby.