Kill the CBS programming and Slap Your Mama

By Mix 96.5 Resident Pimp Master Parker

Okay so I'm in the theatre watching this flick last Friday night with my wife. High Crimes, High Crime or something like that. It featured a very sassy Ashley Judd and typical master thespian Morgan Freeman. Anyway the flick was so good that I managed to down a large pop and sit through almost two hours of this plot-twisting movie. However within the last fifteen minutes of this cinematic masterpiece, my bladder starts leaking.

You laugh, but I'm serious, my bladder was playing some dirty games with me. My crotch tingled like I had just rubbed menthol rub on the inside of my bits and pieces. I didn't want to miss the climax but my bladder was boiling like ramen noodles. To make a short story even shorter, I made an executive decision. It was time to attack the porcelain. I hopped over those seated to my right with the grace and poise of a Cirque De Soleil performance and ran to the bathroom as fast as I could, meanwhile hoping that the movie wouldn't take the route of many recent flicks and end abruptly.

After racing down the hall, I did my business and raced back. On the way back I was almost to my seat when I stepped on this girls foot. She just smiled and her parents and her just kind of chuckled. At first I couldn't figure it out but I realized that it wasn't because my posterior was literally in their faces.

This brings me to one of the biggest dilemmas in modern history. How to make your way down the isle of a crowded theatre? First ask yourself this question. What would you prefer? Somebody's crotch up in your face or their rear? If you try to walk sideways you make enemies real quick, then again the smell of two hours in a theatre was probably worse than a blocked view.

Well after getting that off my chest I just want to publicly apologize to the family of three that were sitting near the end of the middle isle at the 9:30 p.m. showing of High Crimes on Friday, April 19th. I realize that my arse was more than you expected but I was kind of in a weird place.

With that in mind, have a good month. Keep it locked on Mix 96.5 and log on to www.wiredmind.org, every Wednesday night at around 10 p.m. to hear my brother, drunk on internet-college radio. It's interesting stuff.

Remember Kill Negative Energy and Conquer All.