Everybody's a critic: 'The Amityville Horror'

One-and-a-half stars (out of four)

Most remakes, as well as sequels, are disappointing. Bearing that in mind, this movie met my expectations.

"The Amityville Horror" is set in a small New England town where none of the neighbors will have anything to do with the new family moving in. Could it be that the house was the site of several cold-blooded murders? Or possibly that it was a torture chamber hundreds of years ago?

The real estate agent should lose her commission and her license.

This movie includes poor acting by almost every adult except for the priest, who does a half decent job of being terrified while visiting the house. The new man in the family finally goes berserk and chops the family dog into dog-burger, then cleans up the bloody mess in his pajamas.

The high points of this movie are the three children in the family. The teenage boy plays the part of not wanting a new man in this family after his father is gone. The little girl sees her dead playmate counterpart, and plays confused and scared very well. And the youngest brother also does a very good job. All of the children in the movie should have had bigger parts.

In the end, the movie would be better served by examining many of the details that were skimmed over. No more remakes, please.

-- Ken Cook

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One star (out of four)

The conversation must have gone like this:

"I know! Let's remake a classic horror movie!"

"Great Scott, Zigfried, what an original idea!"

"Isn't it? We can revamp it for the 21st century and re-introduce it to young consumers willing to fork over $7.50 to watch the same premise that worked in 1972, but now with dance music and jump cuts!"

The interesting twist, if there is one, that separates "The Amityville Horror" from the past few years'worth of bloated, soulless horror classic remakes ("Psycho," "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "Dawn of the Dead," "The Exorcist"), is the idea that it is based on a true story. But while the first version might have taken a novel approach to this idea, the new "Amityville Horror" is about as true to life as "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" was to the events surrounding Ed Gein's serial killings.

The only thing that might draw people to this new version is the improved special effects, but wait about 10 years for these new computer-generated graphics to look as cheesy and dated as the ones in the original. And where are the pig eyes? This new "horror" is about as scary as a box of Count Chocula. If it's sleepness nights of dread you're looking for, read the book. Afterwards, when you want a nap, go see the movie. It'll put you to sleep.